I am Jack's wasted life (juliet_x) wrote in _survivors_,
I am Jack's wasted life

i have never heard until this community until now. i was raped july 28 of this year. i read through entries on here, and i have to say i was VERY touched in a way that i have not felt since it happened. being understood. reading this makes me realize it's real, it is real and it happened to me and it will always be there. which i find good and bad, good because i probably should deal with it. and bad because i was just learning how to escape it.

i find it amazing to know that there ARE people who know what this is. since it happened i have felt so isolated from every single person in the world. as if now i am in my own hell, somewhere out of reach from everyone.

i pressed charges against him, but even though i gave the cops his full name, address where it happened (his old empty apt.) and where he works, it took them 6 weeks to find him. the police kept lying to us and not returning phone calls, so we told the chief of police that we were going to complain to the DA. the next day they arrested him. those fucks. i have soooooo much anger and hatred in me just for those cops and them not fucking doing anything. and then there is him.

i fear for my life. i live in buffalo, he lives in oswego, 3 hours away. but i am so scared that he will come for me, or get someone else to. the DA had him sign a restraint form for the next year, but how the fuck is a piece of paper suppose to protect me when he's in my apartment with a fucking knife? what, because the consequences would be much worse for him if he did? what the fuck good is that if i am fucking DEAD.

sorry. this has become a new fear for me.

i didnt want to press charges. but i told my family, and then of course i had no choice in pressing charges. i have to say that i have never been so selfish in my life.

i told them i didn't want to press charges, and so they guilt tripped me. "how are you going to feel if he does it to someone else? you're probably not the first and you wont be the last."
I HATE THAT FUCKING BULL SHIT. don't fucking guilt trip me into doing something i dont want to do, can't you FUCKING SEE THAT I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THIS. i do not know how to fucking handle it! i don't! and i am NOT a strong person. i feel like i can't do this. i don't WANT to do this. i can't do this. i know that's selfish, and i know that this is so horrible that i don't want anyone else to experience it, but right now I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. i am sorry, but i dont want to make sure this guy goes to jail. i am not angry, i am fed up! i just don't want to fucking deal with it anymore, i wish they would back the fuck off! i wish i had never told them. or fucking anyone. after the actual rape, and then the 6 weeks of fucking HELL with the police (i swear to god that was almost worse than being raped), i am done with it. pressing charges just drags it on for fucking ever. why can't i just focus on school, lose myself in that and be fucking done with it.

my attacker did not wear a condom. and he had a girlfriend. and i had only 'known' him for 15 minutes. his frat brothers protected him though and called me a liar. i went last week to get an std/hiv test, and they came back all negative. i got tested for everything. all negative. i was so relieved for that. EXCEPT two days ago, i got this bump on my vagina. it doesn't look like a blister, it just looks like a large red, kinda shiny, very painful bump. i suspected herpes, but the test came back negative? also my left hand has been getting cold and tingly lately, about the same time as the bump. and a few weeks ago i had the most god-awful pain in what felt like my left ovary. i only thought you could test for herpes if you had a 'sore,'but this site said blood tests test for the antibody. i dont know. i really dont want to go to the doctor for it, i am torn between waking up early and trying to get an appointment and just waiting it out. i am concerned about it, but i feel myself trying to push this away too.

my hand feels like it's going numb. anyways. i made a counseling appt. at my college. i don't want to talk to anyone. like i do, and once i get to that point where i feel strong enough to visit it, i will talk and bawl, etc. i've done it 50 times and don't feel any better at all. except i am TIRED of letting myself relive it and talk about it. it's draining. it's annoying. draining is really the perfect word for it. i just do not want to do it anymore. i am feeling my energy level (maybe only psychologically?) decrease immensely. and so, i am done. thanks everyone, even if you didn't read this, at least for allowing me the comfort that people know how this feels.
Tags: filing a report, hypervigilance, invalidation, rape: acquaintance/date
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