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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Husband? 
5th-Oct-2006 11:32 pm
I'm in counseling, trying to recover, but my husband has made this somewhat difficult. He's angry about the attack, particulary because it was one of his friensd who did it. He doesn't want to go to counseling, but he's so angry all the time. He's stopped sleeping, and occasionally tries to talk to me about it, but he gets accusatory. He blames me for so mcuh of it still, and when we try to talk about it I end up regressing in my recovery bceause I relive to much, and end up back blaming myself for more than I should. How have you helped your significant others in recovery? This all happened recently, in july of this year, I want to give him the time he needs, but he doesn't know how to recover. He's even said he's not ready to move past it or get over it yet because he wants answers, but he's never going to get justice or answers because the case has been dropped.

Help...
Comments 
6th-Oct-2006 06:16 am (UTC) - big hugs
i'm sorry you're going through this. i can't help with your questions, but i'm sending lots of hugs your way.
6th-Oct-2006 05:09 pm (UTC)
I *highly* recommend the book "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis. While it's aimed at the partners of survivors of child sexual abuse - it covers so many of the topics you're talking about that our supporters go through. It's a great conversation starter, while teaching him about how he needs to recover with you.

Personally, with my husband, when he's in a "I need answers" place - especially if I can't talk about it - he writes down his questions. When I'm in a place where I can talk about it, when I can handle hearing his anger, we go through the list of questions one by one. That way I have control over when I expose that part of me, and he gets his questions answered.

As for justice, that's a hard thing. For many of us, the only justice we get is watching our abusers stuck in their cycles of misery - and watching their abuse turn inwards on themselves as they get older. For so many survivors, there is no legal justice - so often our justice is recovering, getting healthy, and making sure our abusers no longer have any control over us. Sometimes, our recovery is our justice.
6th-Oct-2006 05:42 pm (UTC)
One my friends who got raped, although they're uncertain if they can build a case, he got justice in the form of the rapist being ostracised by his social group.
6th-Oct-2006 05:42 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
7th-Oct-2006 03:26 am (UTC)
One thing I had to implicitly state to my boyfriend was about directing his anger. The first time I was triggered around him scared the hell out of him and made him very upset. His anger was directed at my rapist, but because of my emotions all I saw was the anger. When I was calm, I made sure to let him know that anger, even though I felt it a lot, was really just detrimental to getting through this and told him that what I needed most was positive support. One thing I really appreciate about him is that he NEVER pressed me for details, just let them come out. When I felt like talking, he would listen, but he never imposed. He always let me know that he was there for me when I had something to say, and he would listen to me no matter what it was. Because of this option, he knows more about it than anyone else in my life. I trust him most because of it.

My mom initially demanded to know ever detail I could provide. I just couldn't relive it when put in that kind of pressured situation. I found myself regressing and had to make her stop. I love her and I know, again, her anger probably wasn't directed at me. But the anger was, and still is there, and it's making trust an issue.

It would probably help to talk to him and tell him that you can't constantly relive the attack and tell him how much it hurts you. Tell him you'll talk to him when you're ready. And a big part of it is actually living up to the promise talking to him when you can.
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