grandiloquence (spiffychicky) wrote in _survivors_,

Again, here I am. I don't know where else to go right now. I just need a question answered, and it's the only thing I can think about right now and I will not be able to sleep or even move in one direction or another before I know.

The night it happened, I drank roughly half a bottle of vodka more or less. I was drinking straight from the bottle, with a big group of friends. People who I didn't know kept coming in and out of the room. I was wearing the skimpiest little pink dress, but I still felt dreadfully unattractive. The drunker I became, the more promisucous I became. He was in our room for awhile. We talked. I don't know about what. I don't even know how my friends knew him, other than he had helped pay for the alcohol. I could tell he wasn't attracted to me, and I didn't really care, he was entirely not my type. My friend Timmy met a girl. The four of us, me, timmy, girl, him, all left the room. I yelled at him on the way to not hit on underage girls. He put his arm around me. He was much shorter than me. He said we could go back to his room.

We got there and his two older cousins were there. I was so woozy so I lay down on the bed. My head was spinning. He walked over to his cousins and said something. I couldn't hear anything until they went to the door. The biggest one said to me "this better be amazing. 8 orgasms at least" the other said maybe they'd like to join, have a go at me. I was so dizzy, I was just confused. He came over to the bed and started kissing me. It was disgusting. I think I moved away, but everything gets fuzzy from here. I can remember him getting off me and taking off his pants. His underwear said something about being sexy and he laughed. I never tried to get away. I was too too dizzy. My head was stuck to the bed. He tried to put the covers over us. He put on a condom. He pulled my underwear off and ripped them. He penetrated me and it hurt like fuck because I was so dry. I didn't say a word the whole time. I felt sick. Timmy and the girl he met were having sex in the bed next to us. I just closed my eyes. Timmy finished and saw what was happening to an extent. He (I think his name was Sal...) pulled out of me and I saw the condom had broke. He tried to push back in but I shut my legs. He went to push them open and Timmy grabbed me. I grabbed my underwear and ran out as fast as I could. I passed out for a minute in the hallway, then wobbled to my room and went to sleep.

I just don't know. Now that it's all around me, hurting so many people besides myself... if it wasn't even rape? Just some stupid thing that I did? I don't know! Sober, clear headed, with my wits about me I never would've consented to sex with this boy. I didn't want it when it was happening. But I never said no. I never pushed him away. I never tried to run. I let it happen and didn't make a sound. Everytime I think about it I feel dirty, whore-ish, absolutely weak and detestable.
Tags: rape: multiple assailants, rape: substance-induced
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