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Again, here I am. I don't know where else to go right now. I just… 
3rd-Oct-2006 09:55 pm
fuck it up
Again, here I am. I don't know where else to go right now. I just need a question answered, and it's the only thing I can think about right now and I will not be able to sleep or even move in one direction or another before I know.




The night it happened, I drank roughly half a bottle of vodka more or less. I was drinking straight from the bottle, with a big group of friends. People who I didn't know kept coming in and out of the room. I was wearing the skimpiest little pink dress, but I still felt dreadfully unattractive. The drunker I became, the more promisucous I became. He was in our room for awhile. We talked. I don't know about what. I don't even know how my friends knew him, other than he had helped pay for the alcohol. I could tell he wasn't attracted to me, and I didn't really care, he was entirely not my type. My friend Timmy met a girl. The four of us, me, timmy, girl, him, all left the room. I yelled at him on the way to not hit on underage girls. He put his arm around me. He was much shorter than me. He said we could go back to his room.

We got there and his two older cousins were there. I was so woozy so I lay down on the bed. My head was spinning. He walked over to his cousins and said something. I couldn't hear anything until they went to the door. The biggest one said to me "this better be amazing. 8 orgasms at least" the other said maybe they'd like to join, have a go at me. I was so dizzy, I was just confused. He came over to the bed and started kissing me. It was disgusting. I think I moved away, but everything gets fuzzy from here. I can remember him getting off me and taking off his pants. His underwear said something about being sexy and he laughed. I never tried to get away. I was too too dizzy. My head was stuck to the bed. He tried to put the covers over us. He put on a condom. He pulled my underwear off and ripped them. He penetrated me and it hurt like fuck because I was so dry. I didn't say a word the whole time. I felt sick. Timmy and the girl he met were having sex in the bed next to us. I just closed my eyes. Timmy finished and saw what was happening to an extent. He (I think his name was Sal...) pulled out of me and I saw the condom had broke. He tried to push back in but I shut my legs. He went to push them open and Timmy grabbed me. I grabbed my underwear and ran out as fast as I could. I passed out for a minute in the hallway, then wobbled to my room and went to sleep.

I just don't know. Now that it's all around me, hurting so many people besides myself... if it wasn't even rape? Just some stupid thing that I did? I don't know! Sober, clear headed, with my wits about me I never would've consented to sex with this boy. I didn't want it when it was happening. But I never said no. I never pushed him away. I never tried to run. I let it happen and didn't make a sound. Everytime I think about it I feel dirty, whore-ish, absolutely weak and detestable.
Comments 
4th-Oct-2006 02:28 am (UTC)
Legal definitions of rape extend to saying no, being to young to give proper consent, and being unable to say no due to intoxication so YES this was rape and you should prosecute the sick ass who did this to you. Any real man wouldn't take advantage of a woman who was too inebriated to think clearly.

If you don't want to send that pathetic waste of flesh to jail, but just want someone to talk to my contact info is on my profile page and I would be more than willing to talk.

If I seem a bit angry about this it's cause I am, something like this happened to me when I was 15 only I blacked out before the actual sex occured. So yes things like this make me pissed and sick to my stomach.
4th-Oct-2006 02:38 am (UTC)
aww hunny...don't feel like this was your fault. That was rape. You are young, you were drunk, and I'm sure you were scared too. It makes sense that you wouldn't have fought. The fact that you got out of there when you did is impressive. He shouldn't have done that to you; he clearly took advantage of you when he KNEW you couldn't fight.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. It's up to you how you want to deal with it and what you want to do about it. You need to do what is best for you, whether that be taking legal action or just telling someone you trust or getting counseling or talking to one of us. I'm here if you ever need support in anything, no matter what actions you choose to take or not to take. I understand the desire to want to take legal action, but I've also been in a situation where I chose not to, so I do understand that as well, so I won't try to push things either way at all. It really just depends on what you need. My contact info is in my profile if you ever need anything!

Again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this.
4th-Oct-2006 02:49 am (UTC)
From what you've described, I believe it was rape. It would be hard to fight him off or even say no, since you were so drunk. I think it's disgusting that his friends helped him, and even threatened to join in on the rape. He's an asshole, and you should never have had to suffer through that. It was rape. No question about it.
4th-Oct-2006 02:52 am (UTC) - Another thought...
I've found from my own experince and seeing so many other stories that when you have any doubt at all, there's good reason. Your body and heart know what really happened, they don't lie. When your gut says it was rape, it was, no matter what anyone else thinks. Listen to your gut.
4th-Oct-2006 05:11 am (UTC) - Re: Another thought...
I really agree with this.

If your body is telling you something is wrong, something is wrong. That's why they tell little kids to look for the "uh oh" feeling when meeting strangers.

I really like the way you put this, I hadn't thought of it that way before.

*Thanks*
4th-Oct-2006 03:27 am (UTC) - hugs
i'm sorry you have to go through this. sending you lots of hugs.
4th-Oct-2006 03:32 am (UTC)
Yes, it was rape. Yes, it was rape. YES, IT WAS RAPE.

The only dirty, weak, detestable creature here is that shithead who definitely, 100% certainly, no doubt about it RAPED YOU. Piece of shit.

Please don't feel guilty, please be confident in the knowledge that this says nothing about you and everything about him. And by "everything" I mean "that he's a rapist."

::safe hugs if you want them::
4th-Oct-2006 03:40 am (UTC)
hunny this was rape you were intoxicated there for unable to consent

u aren't dirty or whor-ish the reason u didn't fight or say a word was u were to intoxicated to move as u said u where confused probably went into shock

::warm safe hugs::
4th-Oct-2006 04:43 am (UTC)
It was rape.

1) You were too drunk to consent.

2)
A friend was recently raped in such a way that if he decides to prosecute it will be ineffective because of the exact nature of Australian law (you have to prove that the accused knew they were doing the wrong thing.

To me if people are suffering the mental disturbance after intercourse, that is typical of sexual abuse, then it was rape.

*BIG hugs*
4th-Oct-2006 01:03 pm (UTC)
Yes hun, it is rape.

Like all the other girls have said you were too drunk to be able to give consent, and he probably knew it, but remember, you did ask him to stop hitting on underage girls, that is a form of saying no.

You probably went into shock, which is why you felt unable to say the word no, or to fight him off. Don't feel guilty that you felt unable to do it at the time, you were after all, worrying about your safety at the time. Before I was raped, I always thought that if someone even thought of doing something so nasty, I would give them a good kick in the balls and run for it, but shock took over. I can clearly remember thinking at the time that I must be dreaming it 'Is he actually doing this to me? Rape only happens to other people, right? Why can I not bloody move? Haven't I been preparing for an eventuality like this? Should I not at least be able to rip his eyes out with my nails?'. Thoughts elsewhere. Shock is natural, it is your body reacting to the situation.

It was rape, and I am really sorry that you feel you have to question wether it was or not, but that is natural too, most of us do it at some point. You have had a very very hard few days, feeling pressurised to tell your parents, feeling like the people you felt you trusted have let you down, and talking about it when you weren't ready. So much must be going through your head, it's a difficult time for anyone, a very confusing time. You come here as often as you need hun, if you feel safe talking to us, then at least you are managing to get your emotions out, and get some help dealing with them, if you decide not to return to the school councelling thing.

Huge hugs.
4th-Oct-2006 06:50 pm (UTC)
It was definitely rape. Firstly, you were intoxicated, which legally removes your ability to consent. Secondly, since you're young enough that the school counselor's were trying to force police action, it means you're under 18 - which means that in most states you're not legally able to consent to sex.

Legal definitions aside, he had sex with you when you didn't want to. Even if you'd wanted to have sex with him and changed your mind - the second you change your mind and don't want to have sex, it's rape. He knew that you were drunk and dizzy and unable to defend yourself and he took advantage of you
4th-Oct-2006 09:47 pm (UTC)
Yea, I'm sorry to say, it was rape, drunk or not, it was an assault you didn't ask for...not moving or crying out is a reflex, when I was first molested at 5, I didn't move, throughout the years i've learned that even if I didn't say no,for fear of worse things, it was still RAPE, I think I would go to the police and report a rape, I also would go to the ER and get a rape kit done, and I would also talk to someone, a friend or whatever...I'm sooo sorry this happened to you, but remember we love you and will stand by you during this time, sending you safe hugs :)

NEVER FEEL GUILTY, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!
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