grandiloquence (spiffychicky) wrote in _survivors_,

Thanks to everyone to their responses to my last post. I'm sorry for posting so much, but this is the worst I've felt in recent memory, and the most I've been surrounded by it.

My mother did sit down and talk to me this morning. She apologized for her reaction, but there was definitely still anger there. We were both angry at each other for awhile, but our discussion ended well as she began to understand where I was coming from.

I also went to my school early this morning to talk to guidance. I was informed that while the guidance office has a duty to report a rape no matter what, the adjustment counselor (which I didn't know existed) could remain entirely confidential. I talked to her for awhile, told her everything financially was being worked out and I told her my situation at home. I also expressed to them how upsetting, tactless, and triggering the Guidance Head's remarks had been and they apologized to an extent. I probably won't be going there again about this, simply because there's not a lot of trust there anymore. They told me I could take some time off if I needed it, which is what I'm doing now.

I'm feel as though I'm regressing. Not so much a reaction to a trigger, I'm just starting to respond to things the way I did directly after the rape. I'm more introverted, defensive, emotionless, and hard about things.

I know it's probably because I've been forced in one way or another to tell more people about my rape in the past 2 days than I ever have before. People who I do not know or trust.

This is how I explained it to my mom: now that so many people know, I feel that a lot of places that were comfortable for me have become "contaminated". I didn't tell my family because I didn't want the rape in my house. Now both parents know, and my house doesn't feel like a safe space anymore. It's the same with school.

My mom gave me the number of a free counselor. I've never considered counseling before, but I'm considering it. I'm just so angry, because things had been going so well in my life, I was so strong emotionally. I feel like I've been set back months.

I'm sorry this is so long and self involved. I'll put it under a cut if I need too. I'm so greatful for this community right now though.
Tags: telling others, updates

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