earthygirrl (earthygirrl) wrote in _survivors_,

Tuesday's session.....

I wanted to share because I believe some can relate and it might help other out......

So I had my session on tuesday.  We broke some ground. 

It was kind of funny how much I am on automatic about my feelings. She said.."I want you to think about this before you answer......are you ok." I replyed quickly without thinking and said ok.  So we went back. She asked again. I thought....and then I realized that I wasn't.  The groud we broke was for me being able to cry in front of her.  Really cry and feel the pain that's always sitting just below the surface. It was for only ten seconds. But that's a lot further than we have come before. My body quickly took over and went some place else.  

Trying to think what else we talked about.........

We talked about me finally applying for the job, realizing that I can do everything I want in Peoria too and the living situation.  I'll be moving in with my girlfriend and all that entails.

We also talked about me zoning a lot. One of the reasons I was crying was because we talked about J and I. I hate hate that fact that I zone (go my head) when her and I are being intimate.  Although I have to say that I've gotten better. I can actually stay in the moment for a little bit...but when I realize that I'm in the moment...that's when it's a fight to stay there.  I was angry with myself and feeling hurt.  This is the woman I love and I want nothing more than to be in the moment with her.  

She also was telling me that it was very normal for a surviver. I can feel and reach climax which is a really good thing. Now I begin working on staying present and not leaving. We talked about the fact that I could stay present in the leather lifestyle and not a lot now.  But there is a difference.  The leather people and just girlfriends I would ask to do things with me were plotonic.  Friends with beneifts. No emmotional connection. But with women that I have emmotional connection I never even want them to do anything remotely leather esk to me.  There's a difference.  During intimacy there is so much involved and I truely want to connect...but it can be too much for me. I've been through too much. That's why I go way sometimes. The way she said it brought so much clarity.   

We dicussed my involvement in the leather scene as well. I have no craving for any of that anymore. We talked about when I started in it and what was going on in my life. I was coming out. I was begining to be able to accept that fact that I'm a lesbian.  I told her that in the lifestyle I would be in the moment but I would never reach a climax. Ever.  The point for me was to cry. It's like I was punishing myself for being gay. Or I was reacting the abuse I endured when I was younger. Also the fact that the man I did the lifestyle stuff with was very similar to the abuser. Also, I never had a dated a women in the lifestyle or let a woman Dom me.  I never reaized this until I journaled about it.  Lot's of theories there. 

Overall I can say I'm not really into the leather lifestyle now but I have a lot of respect for it. I have not wanted J to do any of those things for me and I've only wanted it when I was in negative relationships with addictive personalities. 

So my homework is to look at when I zone and say...."what was I feeling right before"....and make a list. I've been so busy that my head is engrossed in my resume at the moment. I'll probally look into my homework over the weekend. 

She also told me to honor going way.  It is meant to protect me. Nothing wrong with that.  Our bodies know what we need. I'm learning to honor that.......
Tags: dissociation, emotional numbing, sexuality

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