Rachel Grace (invisiblepast) wrote in _survivors_,
Rachel Grace

I just wanted to thank everyone who helped me the other day with the questions about the counselor. It really helped.

I saw my counselor for the first time today. I couldn't say that I was abused, but she knows. I'm okay with that; I just can't tell her myself yet. That'll come with time.

I think she's going to work out.

After going through all the introduction stuff, we did this one exercise that I found immensely helpful. It was this one thing with two buzzers that would take turns buzzing. I'd hold one in each hand, and close my eyes. She had me look at one of my memories. I didn't say it out loud though. She'd stop the buzzing after a while, and I'd open my eyes. She'd ask what sort of things I had noticed, then we'd go again, but this time, I'd just close my eyes and see what I'd visualize. At the end, I was in a completely different place. We visualized the memory again, and it had changed, in a sense.

I stand in the memory, like one seen in a Pensieve. I watch it happening.

Wipe the slate clean.

I see the floor fan. I see my "Take the Lead" poster. The room is empty. A flash of another memory - I see my old toy chest. Now it's gone. It is brighter. I see the light. It permeates the room, lighting everything up. Nothing to fear.

Wipe the slate clean.

Out the window, I see the grass. I see the blue sky. The trees. I am outside. A flash of a memory - I see my mother in her dress, sitting in the lawn chair. We're trying to take a picture. She's trying to hold me still as I struggle to get away and go chase the butterfly.

Wipe the slate clean.

The blue sky. Clouds dotting the horizon. I'm in the shade, by the side of the house. I see the old wooden fence. I see the gate to the front yard. It is splintery. I see the blue sky.

Wipe the slate clean.

I stand in the memory. I see the floor fan. I see the bright light. I see the blue sky. I am alone.

And for a moment, I am free.

Does anyone know what this therapy is called? It was AMAZING.

One thing I am having trouble with is realizing that, as a six year old, it couldn't have possibly been my fault. Going back in memories, I seem so BIG... I don't realize that I am only six years old. I saw some of the neighborhood kids on the way home afterwards. They seemed small, and I know that some of them were older than six. They're so SMALL! I need to realize that I was that small, and could not have prevented it anyhow, therefore, it is not my fault at all.

Anyhow, besides that, I have a question... There were some "confidentiality breakers" mentioned, but, looking back, I realize I'm a bit unclear on one of them. Unfortunately, I don't remember the exact wording or anything, but I'll try my best...

It was something about the counselor being under authority by law to report to the law the abuser(s) if they were deemed to possibly abuse somebody else. So how exactly does that work? She can't do that unless I give names, right? You see, I don't want to get into a whole legal thing at all, or have my abusers prosecuted. I don't know why; I just really don't want that to happen. Can I basically tell everything, in detail, as long as I withold names? I don't want to say something and have it prompt legal action. But on the other hand, I don't want to have to be thinking about what I can and cannot say. The point of a counselor is to be able to tell them everything. How exactly does this work?

Sorry if that really made no sense; I'm pretty tired right now.

Again, THANK YOU to all who helped me the other day. You guys gave me the courage to TELL THE TRUTH.

-Rachel Grace
Tags: emdr, therapy
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