upfromthecraks (upfromthecraks) wrote in _survivors_,

so its september 22nd and i guess that the reason i feel all weird and want to be secluded is because that day is coming again. the anniversary of my rape. my skin is getting sallow, im not eating, i've stayed inside more than i have gone out, i'm having nightmare flashes again and i feel overall very vulnerable.
cut because its kinda long and rambling...
i dont know exactly how to shake this feeling, i never do. At least this year i realize why i feel so shitty. i guess that talking about it helps a bit too. but i can physically see the sickness in my face, in my skin , in my sunken eyes tired with sleepless nights. my jumpy jittery behavior isn't a result of too much coffee (i've only had one cup). I wish that there was some way to compact all of this left over crap that i feel into one really really bad day. Instead these emotions just get spread out over the two months, mid September till the end of October. I just feel crazy. like confused and panicky all the time.

This is when i start to sabotage myself into failure.
i mess up boyfriend relationships, i attack my mom and dad, i loose friendships.

The most important thing right now is friends. girlfriends. i'm so nervous about guys, i don't trust any of them. not even my friend matt from Dartmouth. He wants to come and visit me and i've been avoiding him for months now. I just dont think that i can handle him coming here.

Like today i know that what i need is girlfriends. I need to spend some time today with someone who can't hurt me, who cares about me. someone who will make me smile.
i dont even want to talk about the past today. i just want to talk about the future and about us, me and her, my friend. Thats all.

I'm a little weary of asking H to hang out because i know that things are a little different between us, well very different. After the other night when we kissed again, or should i say i kissed her, i feel like now i can hurt her if i pull away, and she wants something more with me. i was really drunk and she was too. i just don't want to lead her on or hurt her feelings. i don't want to loose her. she is a really amazing person that i really want to have as a good friend.

i dont think that i want to see or be around any of my guy friends today. i don't even know if i want to leave my house today. i don't want to do anything drastic today or go to any place where there would be like a 3:1 ratio of guys to me.

i'm just scared today i guess. uneasy. and insecure. i'll be okay. i always am. and i am very very far away from that night in that car, and every time after that, i am very far away from craig and from his hands and his piercing eyes. Far away from his reckless disregard for my feelings and my "no, no..." Far FAR away from Matt and his critisism.
And today i can do what i want and go where i want and dress how i want and feel WHATEVER I WANT. and its okay. i dont need to feel guilty.
Tags: anniversaries, friendships, rape, support network
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