upfromthecraks (upfromthecraks) wrote in _survivors_,

wow, i just realized why i've been having so many bad dreams lately. Why i've been so jumpy, panicky, having such high anxiety.

Its September.

It's the aniversary or close to it.
the change in the weather is a sign that those nights that remind me of being shoved into the back seat of a hatchback...
i can remember everything about that night. Why am i freaking out now????
when will this all just go away....
somedays i feel so strong and confident and sucessful,.... so far away from being worthless and used. So far from feeling so alone like nobody will understand me.
somedays i feel so free of all of the anxiety i feel. some days i feel completely "normal" whatever that means.

and how could i not remember that the day was coming up. how could i not remember the anniversary?
no wonder my dreams have been filled with nightmares, and of disgusting men and their hands on my body.
no wonder i've been so standoffish from J and needing the closeness of my friends.
no wonder i jump at every little sound in my appartment, and have daydreams of some dark stranger coming into my yard from the seven eleven across the street, silently prying open a window and slipping into my place, walking with heavy feet through my living room, and opening the door to my bedroom. while im sleeping i wake up terrified to see this stranger hovering over my bed with a long shiny knife in his hand, a dirty beard and clothes. and then him climbing on top of me and doing terrible things to me with nobody around to stop him and only my family crying the next day with my face on the news.
no wonder i've been so worried.
maybe i just didn't want to remember. Maybe i just wanted this year to be Okay.
Maybe i feel like i need to be back on Antidepressants because i do. or maybe just because of him.
maybe i feel like i just want to go out there and let another man, do whatever he wants to me again, just to re-enact what happend again, and again, and again.
maybe i let T do what he did to me, because i just don't care anymore.

or maybe its just the anniversary and the past is never very far away.

Maybe one of these years i'll be okay.

thanks for listening :(
Tags: anniversaries, hypervigilance
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