Rachel Grace (invisiblepast) wrote in _survivors_,
Rachel Grace

Something I've been wondering... why is it that when I go over the memories in my head, I don't see it from my 'point of view'? It's really weird. What I mean is, it's as if I'm watching it from a corner of the room. I can see the abuse happening to me, but I'm not seeing it through my eyes. It's like I'm an outsider watching it all happen. I don't think I see it that way when I'm flashbacking, but for me, I don't really seem to have physical flashbacks. I'll never see my abuse happening again during a flashback - it's more the emotions, feelings, fear, panic, et cetera. Hm. Something that's really been bugging me about that particular memory is the fact that I was forced to be on top of my abuser. In a way, to me it seems that because of that, it was my fault. Now, I know that's totally stupid thinking, but I can't shake the feeling that because of that, it was my fault. I mean, for God's sake, I was only six years old! Why on earth am I thinking that it could have been my fault? I thought I squashed those feelings a few months ago. Siiiigh. Two steps forward, and one step back.
Tags: depersonalization/derealization
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