upfromthecraks (upfromthecraks) wrote in _survivors_,
upfromthecraks
upfromthecraks
_survivors_

A few nights ago, a friend of mine came over before we were planning to go out. We ended up just staying at my place and talking with a glass of wine.
I don't even completely remember how her and I began talking about this subject but... eventually she told me that something happend to her. when she was younger.
I told her something happend to me too. She told me more
she said that when she was younger, her mother went into a mental hospital. For a while she had to stay with her father. She said that when her father moved, he took her and her sister with him. They moved into this big old house that a family was already living in. They had kids too.
She said that all of the kids went to school together in the mornings. There was a man living there, and she described him as being a guy with glasses who was always on the internet or on the computer. He used to tell her to pretend to forget her lunch at the house so she would have to come back home or miss the bus.
She would do it. She was only 6 or 7. She doesn't remember.
She told me that he would take her up into the attic, where he had his computer. There were no windows and it was a small space. She said that he would say things to her and touch her. He would tie her up and treat her like a dog. He would leave her tied up there and go downstairs into the house. She said that he never raped her. She told me that she couldn't remember things. She couldn't remember anything like for the 5 years that she lived there. She told me it happend again, and again for the whole time she lived there.

I'm crying right now.
She told me that sometimes she still feels like her hands are tied even when she is just sitting in her living room watchin tv.

I cry. Because I think that Heather is an amazing woman. She is a good friend and an amazingly caring and sincere person.
It hurts me to think that something so terrible happend to her.
I shared my story with her, about how I was raped by a stranger I didn't even know when I was 13. I told her how for 7 years I couldn't remember more than a few glimpses of time surrounding that event. I told her that for a long time, no matter who i spoke to, I thought "It was my fault". I assured her it wasn't her fault.

sometimes i wonder why i need to tell people what happend to me. maybe i know how hard it was to believe it wasn't my fault, and how badly i needed to be valified. I just want other people to know that its okay, its not their fault what someone does to them.
i dont mean to make their tradgedy about me.

anyway,
i just finished watching this movie with Kevin Bacon called  "the woodsman".  In it, Kevin Bacon plays a man paroled working in a lumber yard who meets a woman there and tells her his secret, that he molested little girls between the ages of 9 and 13.

It shows him following little girls watching them. and it made me think of all of the fucked up people out there in the world.

How someone so cruel can ruin another person's childhood and seriously damage them for their whole lives because of some perverse sick twisted fetish.
or how a rapist can be so selfish and power hungry that they don't even care how they effect another person.

i think of all of the girls that i have heard from over these past few years, who tell me they were molested and beaten by their father, raped by a man in college, raped by their boyfriend or someone who was supposed to be their friend, molested by their grandfather, raped by a stranger, or tied up in an attic by someone they knew.
Its just so cruel and i wonder how can this world be so fucked up?
i've had men do disgusting things to me, humiliating and inappropriate things to me, sexually assault me, molest me, sexually harrass me at work. and  i wonder what i do to deserve all of this?

just some random thoughts,
thanks for listening.
xxx

Tags: abuse: csa, physical restraint, venting
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