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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Here's an interesting one..... 
5th-Sep-2006 06:34 pm
Talked with the ex last night. I haven't answered her calls in a couple of weeks because I've been so busy. She finally said what I knew all along. She is still in love with me. She believes she will always be in love with me. She knows that I'm not in love with her and never will be. Yet...she still wants to be my friend. Really.


Now. I don't feel this is fare in the sense that, how could it be a good thing for her to be around me. How much heartache will she feel? I don't feel it's right.



She wants to hang out with me but she doesn't want to hang out with me and my girlfriend. Understandable. However, I'm with my girlfriend mostly all weekends. Plus, if you can't hang out with me and my girl then you shouldn't hang out with just me. That means that you care about me in a more than friends way. That seeing me to you means something else still. She never said she disliked my gf. She's only met her once. So it has nothing to do with my gf but more to do with the visual that I am in a relationship with another woman.



Here's the thing. It' been pointed out before and there are many times I have thought it. My exgirlfriend is just a bit mentally abusive. It's the mind games she plays and the manipulations she does. She pulled out all the cards in the hat. She "jokingly" talked trash about me and would make smartass comment. But she's done this along. She has some anger issues. It made me want to hang up.


She can be such a good person. But when things don't go her way she can be like that. A friend believes that I'm finding it hard to let go of her because I am caught in a cycle of abuse with her.


When your caught...how do you really let go? It's not like I don't want to. I've tried.....but failed.


When in situations similar...how have you dealt with it?


It's so perplexing at times. Perhaps because I know she's so much better than how she's acting at the time. Maybe because of my sexual abuse history that I find I have to have some form of abuse in my life. I know I don't really have to have that. And I'm trying to let go....

Can you even stay friends.......somewhere down the line?
Comments 
6th-Sep-2006 08:54 pm (UTC)
When I was in a similar situation, it was also with a person who did that mind-game manipulation thing. First, I made sure that I was in a place that I was pretty confident that I could state and maintain boundaries with the ex. More than one ex has done the "I want to be friends" thing to try to get me back with them, so being in a place where you can be firm when needed is a plus.

Then, state the boundaries - if she genuinely wants to be your friend, she will need to accept that you are in a new relationship. While social gatherings will be painful for her, there's no need to agree to her "just hang out with you" thing. I'd suggest maybe making the first few tries at social time be with a larger group of people (if possible), so that she has a place to escape to if she's overwhelmed, but so she can also prove whether or not she's genuinely interested in friendship.

It's okay to compromise a little with social time (maybe a group outing or two with other friends but without your girlfriend) so you can see what she's really wanting.

Most exes that are only interested in "friendship" as a way to get back into a romantic relationship with you are quick to refuse any compromise - which makes it easier to spot them. Being your friend means accepting you for all that you are - including being a person in a new relationship.

::big safe hugs::
7th-Sep-2006 04:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks for all the support!!! *hugs*
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