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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Feelings... 
31st-Aug-2006 06:40 pm

This really sucks!!

I'm working in my workbook right now and I realize now more than ever that I hardly ever feel anything.  Yeah. I know I'm sad or angry or happy. But outside of those emotions I don't feel. I'm naming my abuser in the book and my father (whom I think might have).  I feel energy boiling inside of me...but on the outside I'm nuetral. I know I'm feeling so much more than I let on and it's a pain in the ass that I can't even label them let alone feel them!  I want to feel. I want to know I can feel. It makes feel like I'm dead being like this......

Please tell me I'll be able to feel someday......

How'd you work it out....

Comments 
(Deleted comment)
1st-Sep-2006 07:07 pm (UTC)
time....yeah...i forget about that sometimes.....

thanks
1st-Sep-2006 01:01 am (UTC)
The Courage to Heal (or Courage to Hell as my therapist calls it) can be really rough, and it's going to push a lot of your buttons.

But the work you do there, the focus you put on healing will let you feel all those emotions. Feeling them will be overwhelming at first, but the emotions do come back to you. Piece by piece, you'll start feeling again. It can be tough to un-learn having our emotions cut off from us, but when they come back, you'll definitely know it
1st-Sep-2006 07:09 pm (UTC)
Push buttons that it does. I have been kind of skipping around in the book. Mostly avoiding things I'm scared to talk about. But I need to face my fears.....it's all part of the healing proccess.

----It can be tough to un-learn having our emotions cut off from us, but when they come back, you'll definitely know it----

I forget that it is something I learned not just a character default....

Thanks!
1st-Sep-2006 04:10 am (UTC)
It sounds a little bit like a combination of possibly derealizing, and being taught that you were not allowed to name your emotions. I had that problem too.

What helped me was to realize that I didn't have to have just 'one word' to describe how I felt. Feelings are so layered. It is possible to feel infuriated, humiliated, upset, and guilty at the same time.

What also helped was to first describe the physical feelings that you have when you feel something. For example, if I were to say that right now I feel like my stomach is being pulled down, it might help me realize that how I feel is ashamed or jealous or something.
1st-Sep-2006 07:12 pm (UTC)
---It sounds a little bit like a combination of possibly derealizing, and being taught that you were not allowed to name your emotions.----

Yeah. That is what it is. I never was allowed to name them because I wasn't allowed to feel them.

The idea about taking your physical feeling and moving from there to your emotions is a good idea. My counselour asks how I feel. I always describe my body....but can't move past it. Thanks for that opening that view for me....
3rd-Sep-2006 06:40 pm (UTC) - Feeling
http://community.livejournal.com/reconditioning/

For many years I could not feel anything when I thought about the sexual abuse of my childhood. I was numb and I hated it because I knew that I was hurting myself by not feeling. When it came to my mother's abuse I could feel the emotions of her betrayal of me, but the men were so different. What I found was that I was feeling but it was manifesting in an indirect way. I would get extremely upset to the point of overreaction to people treating me with disregard or not considering me, or not being able to do something my way. I would rant, rave, cry and get all bent out of shape and I realized those were my long buried emotions coming from those devastating childhood wounds. Once I realized that I was being triggered and that in fact I was touching what I felt like as a child and afterward as a result of the abuse, I started to embrace those times more. I sat there and let myself cry and feel and soothe myself as I should have been soothed as a child.

Sometimes I wrote and purged about the current situation and what got me so upset, then I tried to write what I was feeling and when had I felt like that when I was a kid and eventually I came to what was really bothering me. It usually came down to one of my core issues or wounds (feeling insignificant, feeling used)

Sometimes I didn't write and just let myself cry or took my yellow plastic bat and bashed some pillows while playing loud music. Anything to feel and let it out.

So maybe when you find yourself overly upset about other things, see if you can recognize how it is making you feel and how it may be connected to your abuse. You are probably feeling more often than you notice, just not when it comes to thinking about the abuse because you have effectively blocked the door to that for your own protection as many of us have.

Hope that helps a bit.
Love,
Stephanie
http://community.livejournal.com/reconditioning/
www.myvoiceoftruth.com
5th-Sep-2006 08:51 pm (UTC)
~~~~~~~~You are probably feeling more often than you notice, just not when it comes to thinking about the abuse because you have effectively blocked the door to that for your own protection as many of us have.~~~~~~

This is very true. What you wrote is very good stuff to remember and I am trying to keep it in mind. I'll look more at your site when I have more time. Thanks!!!
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