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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
Is stronger better? 
27th-Aug-2006 08:29 am
duffle
Lately I've been through the wars a bit. I've had a biopsy for a dodgy mole, which then got infected - altogether somewhat unpleasant.

Thing is, apart from the obvious pain and ickiness, it's been a bit of a breeze. Nothing in my life, nothing has been able to mess me around as much as the abuse I suffered throughout my life. When this is over, I will have a scar I can see. I was never able to see the scars I endured since my childhood, and for years I told myself they weren't there.

I am so goddamn strong, but I don't think I know of any other way to be. It hurts, but I get up, get on with things - went on a gay pride march yesterday, got back, changed my dressings, took some painkillers, and got back on the visibility stall I was helping to run. But I'm not sure I want to be this strong. I don't want to have had such a thick skin built up that nothing really hurts any more. I want to be able to be freaked out by a cancer scare, rather than approaching every day with the motto of "Ah well, still not dead!"

In short, I wish I was never turned into this emotional stone by the bastards who abuse me. I want my feelings back.
Comments 
27th-Aug-2006 02:38 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry hon. Strong and robot can be such a thin line. Have you tried meditation? Sometimes it helps you let your guard down.
27th-Aug-2006 10:02 pm (UTC)
That's a really good point. I'm a Christian (with a very sound church) & I haven't prayed or done candley things since all this happened. I'm not really in a situation where it's safe for me to let down my guard for the minute, but it's an idea...
27th-Aug-2006 05:34 pm (UTC)
That resonates a lot with me - sometimes we are just so used to trudging through all the crap that we can miss out on getting to have the big release-moments of emotion. Re-learning how to have emotions and reactions is really, really tough - and so frustrating. I'm sorry you're feeling that trudging robot feeling. ::hugs::
27th-Aug-2006 10:06 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
Ta babs.
28th-Aug-2006 06:52 pm (UTC)
Honey, you can reclaim that lost emotion and your feelings. I've had the same problem and it caused me to hate for so long and now I'm learning to love, it's so refreshing to allow love in, to not have a wall up all the time. I've also found that crying is *very* therapeutic if you're constructive with it. Some people equate crying with weakness when it's really just a way to expel emotion which can sometimes be locked up so tight that you need an emotional jackhammer to get them out. Crying has helped me break down the wall around me.
Take care, honey,
Love,
Natasha~
xo
http://love.voicesofstrength.org
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