Bethan (bethanthepurple) wrote in _survivors_,

Is stronger better?

Lately I've been through the wars a bit. I've had a biopsy for a dodgy mole, which then got infected - altogether somewhat unpleasant.

Thing is, apart from the obvious pain and ickiness, it's been a bit of a breeze. Nothing in my life, nothing has been able to mess me around as much as the abuse I suffered throughout my life. When this is over, I will have a scar I can see. I was never able to see the scars I endured since my childhood, and for years I told myself they weren't there.

I am so goddamn strong, but I don't think I know of any other way to be. It hurts, but I get up, get on with things - went on a gay pride march yesterday, got back, changed my dressings, took some painkillers, and got back on the visibility stall I was helping to run. But I'm not sure I want to be this strong. I don't want to have had such a thick skin built up that nothing really hurts any more. I want to be able to be freaked out by a cancer scare, rather than approaching every day with the motto of "Ah well, still not dead!"

In short, I wish I was never turned into this emotional stone by the bastards who abuse me. I want my feelings back.
Tags: emotional numbing
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