Moontidemelody (moontidemelody) wrote in _survivors_,

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Sharing my story

Wow, this is hard, strange and surreal all at once. 
I grew up in a good household, with loving parents and siblings. When I was 14 my half brother killed himself, I turned 15 shortly after and started dating this guy who was 2 years older in high school I was a freshman. This was a very poor decision and an extremely abusive relationship to have lost my virginity in. I experienced verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse at his hands. The relationship ended about 8 months later. Though I was aware of a lot of verbal, emotional abuse, the actual raping and physical abuse was not remembered until 4 years later, when I actually recalled myself standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror and repeating to myself out loud that this never happened. It worked because I had no knowledge of it, until I remembered. Between this person and my actively working with this information, I dated or slept with some incredibly unsavory people. I wasn't a out and out whore, but I definitely didn't respect or honor my body, after all I believed my first real boyfriend when he told me that I was ugly, fat and stupid, and only deserved it.

I slept with men to gain acceptance, to feel wanted. Though I had a wonderful group of supporting friends and amazing parents. I was filling a whole.  I also kepted everything that had happened to me to myself. No one knew a thing until years later when i told them.

I started working with my self worth issues surrounding my emotional, physical and mental health and wellbeing in my early 20's. I'm 29 currently.

I am learning disabled so my entire scholastic experience has been one of shame, failure and anxiety. I know that this opened up a self worth issue, and getting involved with an abuser so early only fed into it, and let it become stronger. I have focosed on my physical self worth, emotinal self worth and mental self worth for the past 7 years.  I have been actively working a system which is based upon transpersonal psychology, and western systems to focus on shadow, subconscious affects on the conscious - light aspects. To transform and move through the pain and issues of being wounded and move towards healing and fulfillment achieving my authentic self. I have sought out therapists and each tell me that I have and am using the tools they would give their patience.

Knowing this past, and coming from this place makes my current situation and recent abuse very hard for me.

Almost 2 years ago I was promoted to a corporate position at my job. My boss immediately started complimenting, joking and treating me differently. Though the nature of our group was such that politically incorrect jokes were made all the time. The lines of appropriateness were completely grey. Over the cores of a year he would tell me how much potential I had, that I was to replace him when he moved to director role, he offered me lots of $ to move to TX were he was located, telling me he could mentor me there better. Move me into a more lucrative role. He was also telling me how he had feelings for me. When we first met there was a level of attraction, but not one I was ever thinking of acting upon. We were not compatible at any rate. At the same time, there was another side of him, he would call me up and threaten my job, or scream at me over the phone. In fact, I never really knew which I would be encountering. Though I was moving up in the company, I felt like I was being trapped in a wired relationship I wasn't actively trying to be in. I also believed all his crap which is something that just kills me know. At any rate, at a conference we were at together, everyone was drinking and he came to my room. I agreed to sleep with him at the time, because there was so much confusion, and it was easier in my mind to just let it happen then to fight him off or say no. All those years of work and this is what I allow to happen to me?

At any rate, right after I told him that this would never happen again, that it could be a nice memory, but that’s all. It needs to be business as usual. I also told him that I was not interested in ever moving to TX.

After that the phone calls were heavier on the abuse side, but riddled with sexual comments about what he 'had' and what he wanted to 'do' to me. And the occasional treating statement about how he would kill anyone who threatened him or someone he loved. The next time we were at a meeting together, he insisted on walking me to my room and basically assaulted me in the hotel room. It took me about 10 min to get him out of my room, after he was throwing me on the bed, tugging and trying to remove my cloths, removing his and taking out his penis.

I should have called the cops then, but I didn't. I should have reported it to my HR then, but I didn't. After that the verbal and emotional threats were more and more. The next time I saw him, he got in my face and made it quite clear that he didn't ever want to hear anything about it from HR, or else.

So about a month after that last meeting, I contacted the HR director of the division, they seemed to be on my side. I was wrong. Their investigation was so slanted from the beginning. They refused to contact people outside the company (employees who left) which had witnessed things, ,and had knowledge of others he had done this too. After about 2 months of an investigation I was told that they couldn't quantify my allegations. While they understood if I needed to leave and go elsewhere, it was understood that if I were to continue with them, I would be required to work for him. The same person I am accusing of sexual assault and harassment. I told them they would be hearing from my attorney and they did.

Since then I have found 2 other women. Only one is willing to give a statement, but not come to court, the other is too afraid to say anything. But I have proof and another witnes that they both experienced harassment from him. Hell its basically the same story of marriage proposals and abusive language.

The end result is that I don’t have enough $, or energy to continue this fight and am accepting a severance package for 6mo as a buy off to not take them to court. I know that I am doing the right thing for myself. Though I feel like a sell out to the cause since he is apparently keeping his job and will most likely continue his predatory abuse of women. My taking this to court, my trying to make him liable for his actions has not really worked. Though I know I'm sending a strong message to the company, and to the universe that I have worth, and they nor no one else can take that away. But there is still an emotional response which is hard to deal with around this.

I guess another thing that bothers me so much is that after having done soooo much work, I still allowed this situation to happen. I'm not blaming myself, but I should have been more aware of what was going on. It also hurts the ego a bit to know that I was duped, played like a fiddle while it was going on.

I hope to get involved in helping others come forward and take back their rights. There is some horrible statistic out there like 85% of abused women do nothing about it. I'm hoping to change that some day or be a part of that change. But now, I need to focus on healing myself and coming to terms with this recent experience and all the emotions left over from the first which I never really experienced since I blocked it out.

In good news, my case should be settled and I will no longer have to continue to work for them. I've been holding down my job this entire time, having to have phone call and email correspondence with him on an almost daily basis which has been extremely stressful and emotionally difficult. I am leaving an 8 year career, to try my hand at massage therapy. I start school in a few months after I move to a cheaper place.

Just wanted to share my story here. If anyone has any advise please feel free to post.

Love and healing ahead…

Tags: harassment, processing, sexual harassment, victim-blaming, workplace

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