livinginhell5 (livinginhell5) wrote in _survivors_,

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more of the last 2 weeks this is the stuff i couldn't post earlier bc i didn't have the lj cut
so the last two it's been living hell. i've been struggeling with a lot of shit. one big one is last week the 16th i was raped by a really close guy friend of mine know one knows. and on top of it, i was with my godson to. so it's been eating me alive on the inside. this is now the 6th man to assult me. i feel like such a slut it's not even funny. i also feel like a piece of shit that can't do anything right. i got this new b/f named cory everything WAS going good. until saturday, from saturday on it's all been hell i've cried myself asleep 4 out of the 6 nights. i trusted him he made me feel safe when i was in his arms like know one could hurt me but him. everyone has seen it and hates him to death. but i love the boy, unfortunatlly i gave him everything and he knows it. which he using aginst me.he's pissed at me b/c about 7 months ago i slept with this dude cory and i were'nt going out but he found this out throught the guy that had been stalking me i told him the thruth about it but he said i shouldve lied. i have nothing to hide why should i lie. he's already threaten to beat the shit out of me once. he did grab my wrist and wouldn't let go when we got into a fight  but no matter what i love him which is bad, he says all i do is lie to him and i really don't love him but i do, b/c if i didn't i wouldn't put up with his shit he's brought me down to my lowest point which is me wanting to kill myself i was inches away from doing i had the pills bottles and the glass of water sitting right in front of me but for some reason something stopped me then i wanted to cut but i couldn't  i don't know why since that day there hasn't been a day that has gone by without me having the feeling of wanting to cut. i've become really depressed which isn't good 
these next three monthe are going to be hard for me b/c it's going to be my 2nd anniversry (i don't know what word i should use) since iv'e been assulted 
september 25 -2
october 1-2 
november 20 -1 
these are the day and the number of guys that assulted me on that day i have found myself doing strange things as theses dates arrive such as hard core panic attacks, nightmares, screaming in my sleep, locking myself in places where i know everytrhing is locked up. it's just crazy yes i have had most of these symptoms before but not this bad. have any of you guys had this happen? if so what did you do to try to make it not so bad or to calm your nerves?
school registration went good i saw a lot of people i didn't want to but thats life for you i got my schedual it looks over whelming but i can do it
Tags: abuse: emotional, anniversaries, threats

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