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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
what to do.... 
19th-Aug-2006 09:41 am
I know I posted recently....but...

For those of you dealing with abandonment issues and rejection issues because of you childhood...........
How did you handle various situations when you were in them and felt the same emmotions from childhood swelling up again? In essence, it having nothing to do with your partner but all to do with you and your childhood. How did you keep it in check?  How did you not drown in emmotional rivers because it seemed like it was overwhelming you everyday?

Ok. Goodness I'm crazy emmotional! Since my counselor mentioned the abandoment issues and how big of a role it plays in my life.....I know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. Now's the issue.....learning to deal with it and handle it properly.  

I got the idea of a key word from an ljer and I'm gonna try to remember to use it.  When ever I begin to feel those emmotions swell up....I'm gonna say to myself....."She's not them.".  Because....she isn't. 

So all week I've been wanting to see J. She has been saying, "I'm not sure if I'll be there this weekend yet. I'll have to let you know. I have a lot to get done".  Ok I can respect that. I want nothing more than for her to get what she needs to get done so she can feel stress free.  However, last night we were talking and she went into telling me what she had did for the day (not a whole lot) and then into what she's going to do for the weekend.  Which is stay there and work on her table. I wasn instantly angry but also realized it had to do with my issue I'm dealing with. I felt like she didn't even bother to say.."Sorry sweetie, I can't come up this weekend. I've got a lot of work to do." Instead she just told me what she was going to do this weekend as if I never said I missed her and wanted to see her.  I felt rejected. I felt like...if she really wanted to see me she would have worked on the table and whatever else when she was doing nothing so that she had time to see me this weekend. That's how I felt. So in my head...I think...she doesn't want to see me...she didn't even really try to get things done to see me....she doesn't care about me.  In writing this I just realized...maybe she wants time to herself. Ok. I can accept that to. But just be honest is all I ask.  I dunno....

Now...this goes into my feelings of being out of control.  Things changed when I was little and I was told nothing. Or I was lied to and then found out later. Example. They waited till the last minute to tell me I was going back to chicago. Before that they lied to me. No aplogies. No explaination. 

So thus...I'm in a similar situation and I feel like she is abandoning me just like everyone else in my life.  Thus...she doesn't care about me. 

Last night, I got upset on the phone because we were talking and I said...from the bottom of my heart (a very much heart wrenching) I miss  you. It surprised me very much how truthful and deep it was. Her reply was a chipper I miss you too. Like the kind you say to a little kid that you just left ten minutes ago.  That hurt. Immediatly my thoughts turned to this:  "I care about you so much and my feeling are so strong. There is so much I want to share with you. Tell you. Why can't I?" Then I got upset and stared crying. Silently.  I left long silences in our goodbyes...waiting and hoping she would ask what's wrong. But she didn't. I felt like she may have sensed it...but didn't ask. 

Sometimes I worry, ok well all the time, about here not feeling the same about me. Then I look around my room at various things she has gotten me and calm down a bit. She does care. But i just want her to say it.   I want to hear it. I want to really Know it. 

I know what I need to do. I have to ask. I have to ask..."how do you feel about me? How do you feel about us? Where do you see us going?". This is what I need to do. I just don't have the balls to do it. I'm terrified of what she might say. All I can think about or see is her rejecting me...or feeling less about me and us than I do.  But there really is only one way to know. And that is to ask.  

Oh. I also realized that her not telling her parents about me is also wrapped up in childhood issues. Not to discredit anything I felt. Those are real and validate. But also. I was always the secret when I was a kid. I was kept hidden. And here I am....feeling like I'm the secret all over again and it hurts. That was a realization I had yesterday.....

It hurt just as well that I feel like I can't tell her anything. I know it plays into my fear of rejection and abandoment. If I tell her all these dark things....my feelings and what not....she won't want to stay around. I'm sure it's not true....but it's how I feel. I've considered writing her a letter recently. But letters don't convey what face to face does. And I care about her to much to be that disconnected and tell her thing in letter format. I did that in the begining. Sending romantic letter expressing how I felt about her. Never really saying it in person....but only in letter. That's not good. I need to be able to get to a place where I can say it in person and feel ok and safe.......


Goodness this is crazy!!!!!

When will it get better.....................?



Comments 
20th-Aug-2006 02:58 pm (UTC)
It can take a while before you can figure out how to reassure yourself about your relationship with her. A lot of times, our partners get so awkward, not knowing what to do to help us (since a lot of it is echoes from our past) that they completely blank when it's an appropriate time to tell us they miss us.

Sometimes, in those moments where we just feel like a tornado has gotten a hold of our emotions, we just need to breathe. Reassuring yourself can sometimes help - remembering that even if things don't work out that you'll be okay, remembering that each day you struggle through it that it's one day less you'll need to feel that intense... stuff like that

When I'm really hurting and can't even reassure myself, I'll usually curl up on the couch and watch something that reminds me of my partner - sometimes I'll put his shirt on or something - something to remind me that it's okay, that he still loves me, that he's not like my abusers. Something you might want to talk with your gf about is letting her know that you've realized a lot of your fears about your relationship has to do with your abuse history.

Telling her that you are focused on working on that issue, and that you're trying not to project that past onto her might help you both feel a bit less upset about it. That would also be a good time to ask her for a "proxy" - a t-shirt, a CD, something to focus on when you need reassurance so you don't have to keep asking her for reassurance. Those can really help, because each time you're holding the proxy, you know she *wants* to reassure you, because she gave it to you. It can be really comforting
21st-Aug-2006 04:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the suggestions. That's what I was doing that day. Trying to reassure myself by looking around at the things in the room she had done for me and given me.

We talked and things are better. I can see that I feel more free and closer to her than I did before. I sent her what i wrote above. She was angry/upset about a few things I'd said that she had indeed done. It hurt to hear her angry at me. But I apologized for hurting her. I also told her that I love her. Something I've been holding inside for a while now because of fear. She said she loved me as well. *sigh* Feels great to know and finally be able to say without feeling the fear......

Thanks you much!
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