Thalia (tigresseye) wrote in _survivors_,

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Going Back to College

I found out today that I have a dorm spot now, thanks to friends of friends who have clout with the college. I've been so looking forward to starting classes again, but now that it's real, I'm getting super-anxious.

This will be my third try as a freshman. First time, I tried to kill myself, and they asked me to leave. Second time, I had a severe dissociative episode and missed midterms because I was seven years old and hiding in the closet. If I screw up this time, there won't be a second chance. I'll lose my scholarship, and the University will formally kick me out.

I can't screw up this time.

I'm a lot further in recovery than I was the last two times I tried. I'm actually dealing with what happened to me that caused me to feel suicidal and dissociate. I have a great therapist who's really helping me with stuff. I'm doing a lot better at managing triggers, and I've stopped all the self-destructive behaviors that I was using before.

And I have a dear friend who is also a survivor who will be there. And my karate class--love my karate class. But I just worry, you know?

Tags: dissociation, school
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