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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
traumatic memory. 
15th-Aug-2006 09:10 pm
beauty
this was intended to be a response to sistaraven's weekly questions, but it came out as something i have wanted to say for a long time.

cut for triggers
i remember almost all of my memories. i remember most details. but the thing is, all of these things that i have remembered have had no emotional impact on me. i think it does on some level, but generally, being date raped four times has not really affected my life that much.
its not that i am indifferent, its not that i dont care. ive been trying to access my reaction and emotions reguarding for a long time.

when i remember something new, some detail, usually i have to say it out loud immediately to my boyfriend and tell the story to him again. i feel uneasy, but mostly i feel nothing at all, as if it happened and i saw it on tv. i want to feel something, anything. and it upsets me that im completely fine.

the physical aspect of the rapes is what i recall the most. very rarely, i have what are called "physical flashbacks", where my body recalls the soreness and the pain that i felt. and i feel physicly wounded, i look for some kind of scratch on my body. but nothing is there.

but in general, even though its a traumatic thing that happened to me, i have not yet shown signs of trauma.

anyone in the same boat at one time or another?
Comments 
16th-Aug-2006 02:35 am (UTC)
Definatly.
I can remmeber it all so vividly on ocasion that i panic.
For a couple months after it happened, i was physicaly abusing MYSELF in my sleep as part of what was going on in my dreams. I could FEEL everything. And it FELT like it was happening, and i woke up with bruises all over my body.
16th-Aug-2006 03:46 pm (UTC)
A lot of my memories are completely void of emotions until I'm able to process them in therapy. Emotional dissociation is just a coping mechanism. I couldn't deal with experiencing the emotions then, so I dissociated them. But for me experiencing the emotions and processing them is an important part of healing.

The physical memories you're talking about are usually called "body memories." I have them a lot...I have way more body memories than I do cognitive/emotional/episodic memories.
16th-Aug-2006 05:30 pm (UTC)
I've known a few people (my husband included) who went through similar things - not having a lot of the emotional repercussions of trauma. For some of them, it just took a while for the emotions to get them, while others never really had the big emotions. They each did well over time. though it was a bit tough for them as far as therapy just because they didn't have a lot of emotion.

So maybe the emotions will come, and maybe they won't - but I think it's okay that you're not feeling them now (I don't think it's wrong or unhealthy or anything) - just something that's a bit more unique to your healing process
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