this was intended to be a response to sistaraven's weekly questions, but it came out as something i have wanted to say for a long time.
cut for triggers
i remember almost all of my memories. i remember most details. but the thing is, all of these things that i have remembered have had no emotional impact on me. i think it does on some level, but generally, being date raped four times has not really affected my life that much.
its not that i am indifferent, its not that i dont care. ive been trying to access my reaction and emotions reguarding for a long time.
when i remember something new, some detail, usually i have to say it out loud immediately to my boyfriend and tell the story to him again. i feel uneasy, but mostly i feel nothing at all, as if it happened and i saw it on tv. i want to feel something, anything. and it upsets me that im completely fine.
the physical aspect of the rapes is what i recall the most. very rarely, i have what are called "physical flashbacks", where my body recalls the soreness and the pain that i felt. and i feel physicly wounded, i look for some kind of scratch on my body. but nothing is there.
but in general, even though its a traumatic thing that happened to me, i have not yet shown signs of trauma.
anyone in the same boat at one time or another?