Sorry I dissapeared everyone. I'd like to read everyone's posts and comment, but I'm too trigger sensitive. This has been my life for the past two weeks. I cut it because some of it might be triggering, but mostely for length. I hope hope everyone is being safe though. Hugs and safe thoughts to everyone.
Hey everyone. I'm not dead. Life has just been crazy.
Ok... Sunday August 5th my depression got really bad. I had cut the night before. I wanted to do it again. Francis was really worried, but he had to go to work. He left the phone with me so I could call him if I needed to. I cut again. This time it was so deep it almost needed stitches. I was so out of it, I don't remember some of that night. So, my mom and Francis made me go to Dominion (a mental health hospital) for inpatient treatment. It was actually a good experience. I learned how to connect and open up with people. I learned some healthier coping skills. I met a lot of people going through similar situations. I got to tell my story over and over and over again. It really did help. They gave me some journaling topics to help me with my cutting, and they uped my medication dosage. I didn't want to go to the hospital at first, but then I didn't want to leave. =) I was worried about cutting again and I didn't want to leave all of my friends. None of them wanted me to go either. They were telling the nurses not to give me my stuff because I wasn't allowed to leave. lol.
I've been home sense last Friday afternoon. It took a little time to readjust to being back out into the world, but I'm doing a little better. The meds are helping my anxiety. All I'm on is 100mg of Zoloft, but it's helping.
I was going to quit tkd, but I'm not. I was set on quitting, but I had a meeting with the Lightfoots last night. Mrs L was crying because she was so worried and scared for me, and she was hurt that I was just treating them like bosses. They both started telling me they care about me and love me so much, and that I was like part of the family. So, I opened up to them and told them about my depression and cutting, and I told them I was scared to tell them because I wasn't sure of their reaction because I had gotten so many bad reactions in the past. I wasn't sure what they would think of me or if they would think less of me. They were like we would never think less of you. Everyone has their issues and problems. They told me that the door was always open for me no matter what, even if I did want to quit for a little while. They said that they're always here to support me and that I need to talk to them more. So, I decided not to quit. I'm going to start back up there part time in a couple weeks. It feels so much better knowing that they understand and support me. I couldn't believe Mrs L was crying. She never cries. After she started crying I was close to tears the whole meeting. She gave me a huge hug afterwards and told me how glad she was that I'm ok.
Francis and I are taking a break. We're still just as close... maybe even closer. We spilled out all of out feelings for each other and we have a much better way of communicating. But yeah... we're taking a break because we both have personal things that we have to deal with. He wants me to focus on my treatment, and he has some stuff he needs to work on. He feels like I deserve better, but I think he's perfect they way he is. I wouldn't mind helping him, but he feels he needs to do this on his own. So, I'm going to give him the space. I love him, and I don't want to let him go... but I'm letting him go because I love him. He says he has stonger feelings for me than he's ever had for anyone else, and it scares him. He wants to be sure that I'm the one, and that's also why he needs space. We're still going to stay close and communicate, but we just best friends now. I told him I feel things for him that I was determinded not to feel again, and he is what I've been looking for... so I'll wait. I don't mind waiting. I just hope he doesn't lose his feelings for me. If he really loves me, they won't and if it's ment to be, it will be. He doesn't think they will fade, but he's so confused about everything he doesn't feel like he can give me a for sure answer. I'm so sad and depressed. I don't want to eat. I'll eat occasionally because Francis is worried about me. But yeah... I'm so sad and heartbroken. I'm just going to stay strong and be there for him. He coulda cut all contact all together, so I'm going to be gratefull we can still be just as close. He's going to stay with me for a few more weeks, but then he's going to move out. We'll still see each other every Sunday, but he needs space to do what he needs to do.
My dad went berserk last night. Francis and I went for a long walk because we needed to talk and we didn't think dinner was going to be ready so fast. My mom was making everyone dinner. Well, we took longer than we thought, and apparently mom was a little upset. So instead of coming up to us and saying "I think it was a little inconciderate of you guys to be late when mom is making dinner for everyone. I'm kinda dissapointed in you two... now go appolagise to mom", he starts yelling and cursing at me. Degrading me, calling me names, and being really mean. So Francis turned around and gave him a look like "why the hell do you think you can talk to her that way?" Francis didn't say anything, all he did was look at my dad. My dad then started yelling and cursing at Francis, calling him a ass hole, told him to fucking get out of his house, I want both of you out of my fucking house. Then my dad puts his hand around Francis' neck and squeezes. Francis was physically and verbally abuse my his father for 11yrs. What my dad did triggered him. I could see him getting upset. So, I backed Francis up, slowly. My dad kept yelling and cursing at us, calling Francis names. The ass hole finally left, but Francis was still triggered. He had his hands on the counts, he was breathing really hard, his body tempature was going up, and he had this look in his eyes. He still has a lot of pent up rage from what his father did to him. All I could see in his eyes was hate and pain. It took about 15min for him to calm down. I stood there the whole time hugging him gently, I didn't want to squeeze too hard and set him off, kissing his neck and cheeck, talking to him... telling him to calm down, it was ok, he's gone, nothing is going to happen. I just kept telling him that over and over. He doesn't even remember most of it. He was triggered really bad. I wanted to cry. I wish there was a way for me to snap my fingers and everything would be ok for him.
Francis and I went out on the balcony. He calmed down a little more. He was still really upset though. I could hear it in his voice, it was shaky. So... I keep getting more pissed off. I gave my dad some time to calm down, and then I go confront him. He doesn't like being told he's wrong. He just starts yelling and cursing at me, telling me I'm no good, making everything my fault. So finally, after yelling at him too for a while, I got overwelmed by his insults and started crying. I slammed the bed room door on his, ran into the kitchen, punched a wall really hard. I actually broke the skin in two places and my hand still hurts. When I calmed down some, I went out and talk to Francis.
We called the police. They came and talked to Francis and I, and then they talked to my dad. He wasn't happy, but I hope this makes him realise he can't treat people like this. Francis is going to give him the option of going to anger management or he's going to press charges. Then if he does have to press charges he's going to say he'll drop it if dad goes to anger management. I think dad needs it. I tired of being treated like shit by him. I'm use to it, but I'm tired of it.
I talked to my cousin too about all the family drama. Apparently my mom has lied a lot and left a lot of information out. He said to just do what he does... love her because she's your mom, but stay out of her business. That's what he does with his parents. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'll get a lot with her, love her, and respect her because she's my mom, but I'm going to ask her to leave me out of that stuff because everyone gives me a different story and I don't want to be involved.
So, that's my life right now. I'm going to be seeing a therapist twice a week. She's a new therapist. I saw her today, and she seems pretty nice. I like her.
I'm doing everything I can right now to be strong. I need to be strong. I know who I can depend on now and when to talk to people. I'm so sad though. About everything. I don't want to eat, it's hard to sleep, and my whole body is sore because I'm so stressed out.
Hopefully things will get better soon, but for now I'm trying to be strong.