Rachel (arsinoea) wrote in _survivors_,

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You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Sorry I've disappeared. I do that on livejournal a lot. And when things are going well, I don't write as much.

Just an update: a few weeks ago, Sophia (sepia_lies) and I hung out. We watched "Speak", the feature film version of the popular book, and had our own sort of survivor community convention. Pretty sweet stuff.

I feel empty today. My limbs feel slack. There's this tension feeling in my back that I tend to get. I don't know what this feeling is, even though I've experienced it so many times. I feel sad, anxious, angry at everyone in my house (I live with my mom, sister, my uncle, and his three kids, ages 7, 11, and 13). I'm angry at my boyfriend for working all of the time, for not physicly being here to support me. I'm upset and anxious about moving out on my own with my boyfriend, unsure of how we are going to 'make it' on our own. Upset that we can't just move in now and start making things the way we want them to be. And, to top it all off, I ran out of Lexapro yesterday, and it was only like a two month sample. I don't feel like going to a psychiatrist, but I think I might have to, or I'll do something stupid. Whatever I have, when I'm not on medication, I am prone to shopping sprees, irrational thinking and taking irrational actions, extreme exaduration of everything, and mood swings that compell me to believe that everyone is abandoning me. And for an extra bonus, I've been hearng people talk to me lately; people who I know aren't there. They tell me things, that I'm crazy and that everyone I've ever cared for will leave me. I know it's not real, but it's very scary. It's the threat of actually being nuts that scares me.

I didn't mean for that to be a list of complaints. But since it's all written down, I feel somewhat relieved. Although a laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting.
Tags: abandonment issues, stress, venting
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