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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face. 
10th-Aug-2006 12:48 pm
beauty
Sorry I've disappeared. I do that on livejournal a lot. And when things are going well, I don't write as much.

Just an update: a few weeks ago, Sophia (sepia_lies) and I hung out. We watched "Speak", the feature film version of the popular book, and had our own sort of survivor community convention. Pretty sweet stuff.

I feel empty today. My limbs feel slack. There's this tension feeling in my back that I tend to get. I don't know what this feeling is, even though I've experienced it so many times. I feel sad, anxious, angry at everyone in my house (I live with my mom, sister, my uncle, and his three kids, ages 7, 11, and 13). I'm angry at my boyfriend for working all of the time, for not physicly being here to support me. I'm upset and anxious about moving out on my own with my boyfriend, unsure of how we are going to 'make it' on our own. Upset that we can't just move in now and start making things the way we want them to be. And, to top it all off, I ran out of Lexapro yesterday, and it was only like a two month sample. I don't feel like going to a psychiatrist, but I think I might have to, or I'll do something stupid. Whatever I have, when I'm not on medication, I am prone to shopping sprees, irrational thinking and taking irrational actions, extreme exaduration of everything, and mood swings that compell me to believe that everyone is abandoning me. And for an extra bonus, I've been hearng people talk to me lately; people who I know aren't there. They tell me things, that I'm crazy and that everyone I've ever cared for will leave me. I know it's not real, but it's very scary. It's the threat of actually being nuts that scares me.

I didn't mean for that to be a list of complaints. But since it's all written down, I feel somewhat relieved. Although a laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting.
Comments 
10th-Aug-2006 06:45 pm (UTC)
Does your primary care doctor feel comfortable prescribing psych meds? Sometimes that can get you through either until you don't want/need meds or until you can find a psychiatrist that works with you.

In times of big stress, I hear things that aren't there, too. It's tough to handle, but just keep breathing - all this stress will pass, and I know you've got the strength and the wit to get through it. We're here for hugs and support in the meantime :)
10th-Aug-2006 07:57 pm (UTC)
Actually, after posting, thats just what I did. I got a perscription from my doctor. Thank you for your words, they always help me so much!
10th-Aug-2006 07:58 pm (UTC)
ps I think it's time to add you to my friends list on my personal journal. Hope you don't mind :)
10th-Aug-2006 10:22 pm (UTC)
Right on :)
10th-Aug-2006 09:53 pm (UTC)
I hope your ok. Ya know you can always call me. Its ok Anytime its np. Thats why I got the cell to begin with.

Your a strong person, beleive and remember it.
<3
11th-Aug-2006 12:12 pm (UTC)
:::hugs:::
11th-Aug-2006 02:22 pm (UTC)
well, that is what we're here for- support, whether when you are down or when you are happy, to share in highs and lows.
as for not wanting to see a psychiatrist- do you see a therapist at all? before, i never wanted to see one, but now i see it is helpful once you shop around for the right one. especially if you go to a community center, where it's cheaper and friendlier.
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