colenic417 (colenic417) wrote in _survivors_,
colenic417
colenic417
_survivors_

Intro Post

Hi- I found this community because I am struggling with something that happened a long time ago. It is stupid and it is anniversary time and I have realized how much these events have shaped my life and the relationships that I have. I would appreciate any feedback and comments that you care to make.


i am 28 year old woman who made a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. I was in college and went to a party. It was harmless really, a little bit of fun, too much to drink and a friend of a friend who was playing a game. He seemed nice enough, we had a good time together, and it started two and a half years of pure hell. We hung out the next night and he was a perfect gentleman, got a little upset because I wasn't interested in sex but was okay with it, told me he understood. we went out the next night, had a great dinner and went back to his house. We were watching a movie, he started to kiss me, I pushed him away, he didn't listen, he hit me, told me to shut up and not scream. He raped me...I ran away, walked back to the friends house I was staying at, pretended nothing happened...my period was late, my worst fears confirmed...i couldn't do it...i couldn't have the baby...i was only 19..I was in college..i couldn't have the constant reminder, I threw myself down a flight of stairs, swore that it didn't matter if I lived or broke my neck, just couldn't do it...I lived, the baby didn't. I went back to school for my sophmore year...no one knew...no one had a clue what happened...i pretended that it was nothing..avoided all of the parties...this was my fault...I wasn't going to be put in that situation again..my best friend knew something was going on...I fell in love with him that night I told him..he just held me..told me it wasn't my fault...and that it would be okay...the guy..he came to a show I was working on...smiled at me...I froze..couldn't breathe...he knew where I lived..his best friend..was a friend of mine...passed on a message..it said...I know where you are and I know what you did...he came to visit me...knocked me around...did it again...and again..people saw the bruises...looked the other way...my love..wanted to kill him...I told him it was my fault...this went on for two years...over and over again..he came to the dorm one night...I wouldn't open the door...threatened the people in the common area with a gun if I didn't come out..it was my responsibility..I couldn't let anyone else get hurt....i went with him...I wanted him to kill me...he didn't but dumped me for dead...the cops were looking for me...my love found me...I was in the hospital...I told them about him...everything..people were mad, couldn't believe that he would do that...he was a "nice boy" it was my fault...he wasn't allowed on campus anymore...he still found me...he still beat me...he still hurt me...he tried to get me pregnant...told me he was going to do that so that I would remember him always...I did...I didn't know what to do...i went to my love...i told him what happened...I was bloody and freshly bruised...I wanted to die...he held me and told me it was going to be okay....he cleaned me up...took me to a place...i couldn't do it...not again...HE showed up again...this time...he knew...he took me for a ride...threw me out of the car at 60 miles an hour...didn't have that baby either..spent two weeks in the hospital...people still didn't believe me....still didn't think he could do that...I started cutting...i started having nightmares....I was punished..no babies for me..because I killed two..because I couldn't handle it...I still have nightmares..and the only man I have ever trusted with my heart and soul scares me at times because he gets angry..he wouldn't lay a hand on me but he still scares me...therapy doesn't work...it never has...and now..nine years later I still have nightmares and think he is going to find me...he always said that he would...no one knows...but I think he found me and I don't know what to do...
Tags: abortion, abuse: control, abuse: physical, kidnapping, miscarriage, parent/abuser with personality disorder, rape: acquaintance/date, stalking
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