leo485 (leo485) wrote in _survivors_,
leo485
leo485
_survivors_

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I feel like slicing my wrists or my legs or burning my legs until they are no longer recognisable. but I'm thinking of teardrops7 she would not want that!!! I can't sleep I'm hardly eating these days with my cold.Hears a memory that's flashing through my brain right now.
(Memory) 
I let him rape me again I thought it would be different this time maybe he would have been changed I said NO!!! But I gave in so he would go home and not hurt me because he was getting agressive and I just wanted to get him to leave. He took advangtage of me again and it's my fault for not putting up a fight and letting him fuck me. I deserve it I'm such a stupid freak. He asked to come over I couldn't say NO!!! Damn it I hate this disgusting body. I probably deserved what I got damn it!!! I was bleeding afterwards for about an hour then it stopped!!! I just want to dissapear off the face of this earth. I'll probably be punished and be burnt in the eternal flames of hell where I belong with the devil.I still feel him inside me hurting me over and over again and whispering "you're pussy is nice and tight and so wet  feel my hard rock" and me bent over just taking it frozen there in fear paralized...He stuck his penis in my ass forcefully it hurt so much I begged him to STOP PLEASE STOP!!! he said shut up and take it you know you like it bitch and just jabbed it in further moaning he said I'm cumming I'm cumming oh God oh God oh God. I was in so much pain I made little noises and he made comments like like your enjoying this aren't you bitch. I was trying not to scream. Then he stopped... I turned around and sat down on the couch half naked... He said look at that it's still hard for you bitch, you wanna suck on it!!! I said NO!!! He said come on don't be like that  I said NO!!! He grabbed my hair and pushed my face towards his penis he said I SAID SUCK IT!!! I said NO!!! he grabbed my hands and wrapped them around his penis and said FINE THEN PLAY WITH IT YOU KNOW HOW BITCH!!! He pulled my hair again and said DO IT BITCH!!! So I did do it so he wouldn't hurt me again... When he was all finished with me he  zipped up his pants, threw mine at me, I put them knowing I was bleeding and would have to go run to the bathroom and shower and put on something else. He said You got anything to eat Bitch!!! I gave him something to eat  and went and grabbed one of my mom's pads as a temporary solution.He left after eating and I took a shower and changed clothes and pretended nothing happened ,even though it hurt to sit down for about a week I didn't let it show. I never let pain show or tears show...I still don't usually!!!
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Tags: abuse: physical, abuse: verbal, flashbacks, rape: acquaintance/date, rape: oral, self-injury
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