I got a new job. And I realise I get really panicy when I have alot going on in my life. Mostly when It takes up my time and I cant talk to Andrew.
Ok soo I have drivers ed for two more weeks, Ends on the 11th. Not really fun at all..I need to wake up early..blah blah. So than This week I go from 1-5 Mon-Wensday. Than wensday night is my frist appointment with my new therapist Mary. Than..I work Saturday. Being a minor is amaxing I cant work more than 20 hours a week which means 5 hours and 4 day work weeks...lol. So thats good. BUT I need Andrew in my life. I guess it would be slightly easier if he would answer his emails...anyway so I freak out alot when my time with him is limited.
Anyway, he knows And at some points I need him just to say "I love you" It makes everything so much better. Its like...I can do anything when he says it. I feel amazing when he says it, like....come what may,..Ill be fine becuase he loves me. What is that?
Anyway...Ive been having Panic attacks.Now Ive had them ever since I was little. Maybe...7. Right after my abuse.I would have them maybe 3 times a day. I haed them. I was so unstable. I was a mess. A wreck. If I would have known I could kill myslef I would have done it.
I would cry..mostly becuase I couldnt stand being w/o my mom. Again I thoguht she would sell me or leave me on some corner or give me away. I was terrified to be left alone, beucase I thought id be abandoned. So I would cry. And I would throw up, I have a nervous stomach so I alwasy felt sick. I was always so afriad. I had a very hard time with dealing with my panic attacks. And my mom would yell at me for crying so much. But now...now there very differant.
I had a panic attack maybe...two days ago. Because I could feel what my abuser did to me. It scared me so bad.
Help anyone? Comments? Thoughts?