livinginhell5 (livinginhell5) wrote in _survivors_,

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i don't know how to start this so as more days go on the more stuff happens and the more things that are said

let me start of by saying sorry to be talking about this stuff but i  need somewhere to talk and i feel this is the safest place to talk about this stuff.. i'm sorry if i ramble at times but i just want to thank you guys for your support thoughts and everything else...

so i was talking to my boy friend today and of course he got talking about sex again but this time it was about wanting to  titty fuck me i didn't even know what to say to this i was just taken back then he kept saying he's horny and i need to find a ride out to his place now which i said no which pissed him off then i asked hime "if there was a gurl there right now besides me would you fuck her"? he said hell ya i was just like i see then he says i need to do something for him right now i knew what he was talking about (phone sex) which i don't do i'm not like that so i was like no and we got into the hole no yes thing again which just got him more mad he said some more hurtful things that i just sat there and let him say (stupid just how i am) then we got talking about camping again he's like you better come and pick me up tomorrow i wanna see you so you better be here (i don't got a licsence)so i was like i don't know if i can what does he say well you better i don't care if you have to take the car i wanna see for we can cuddle and fuck i said i can't i have my thing he says i don't care i'll still fuck you and by the end of the conversation i was pissed  and he wanted me to let him go so he kept saying i love you i wouldn't say it back all i did was go mmhmm sure he got pissed started raising his voice saying say it say it damn it i wouldn't respond he kept getting louder and to the point where he was like screaming at me so right as he hung up on me i said love you well knowing me i hate ending a conversation on a bad note so i called back an he picked up i told him i loved him he's like good thats what i thought he also said i'm going to be calling you at like 10 you better pick up your phone i said ok love you he said bye and i hung up

 i don't understand why i'm doing this to myself i always end up putting myself in these position why am i so stupid even after seeing that it's unhealthy i'm still in it.........

i'm sorry that i told like the hole conversation like word for word but i need to get it out of my head for it doesn't repeat over and over in my head like a broken record player
Tags: abuse: emotional, abuse: verbal, manipulation, victim-blaming

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