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I have a therapist I like and respect a lot. She has helped me move… 
27th-Jul-2006 08:11 am
I have a therapist I like and respect a lot. She has helped me move toward things I've had a lot of trouble with, like anger and depression. I've grown a lot since I started with her and she is the first therapist I do not feel smarter than. She is very perceptive. But... We seem to have major differences of opinion on certain areas. When we touch on these areas I want to tell her she is full of shit. I am hesitant to talk about my relationship with her.

I sense she does not agree with my partner's and my analysis of our no-sex situation. She can get quite harsh and almost aggressive if I'm talking about any shared finances. I see Vicki and I as a steady and strong couple that has been together for years. There is no plan of us leaving any time soon, and we grow to help eachother out more and more. We have hangups and imperfections that don't mesh so well as a "unit", but that's why we're both talking about therapy.

One example: A fear Vicki has about starting therapy is not being able to afford it. It'll be a $30 copay once she is on my insurance. I have said I would help her psy for it. My therapist was dead against that, arguing that we need to be two separate people and I shouldn't "overfunction" in the relationship. We still have separate bank accounts and incomes, we split bills in half and help out whichever one of us is low that month.

She also argues that having sex as infrequently as we do is really abnormal for a 25 year old and hints that I should think about other options.

You would think that the fact that Vicki and I communicate a lot would be good, that we're both talking about working on this, that we've acknowledged some of our major hang ups is a good thing. You would think that the fact that I've moved away from my abusive parents and drawn lines for them to respect with the support of Vicki would be a major acheivement. Vicki forces me, a very passive person, to make major decisions about my life.
Two 25 year olds trying to make it work in a culture obsessed with sex seems to be a positive thing.

I know we don't do everything right, but I hope it is worth working and waiting for. So often I think about what we haven't had. But I see such an infinite glimmer of potential within Vicki and within us.

How do you know when your therapist is full of shit, and when she is showing you something you are not strong enough to see? I hate doubt and uncertainty.
27th-Jul-2006 01:33 pm (UTC)
I am afraid I need to agree with your therapist on the money thing. Boundaries are important, moreover, if Vicki wants therapy, vicki should pay for therapy. Her being on your insurance is a great help but imho it should end there, becuase if she puts on value on it, because she doesn't have to, she is unlikely to put value on the tools and skills available to her through the process.
27th-Jul-2006 02:28 pm (UTC)
You may think she is full of shit but IMHO she sounds like she is trying to keep you from becoming addicted and giving more than is healthy for you. Ask her, it's the only way and tell her how you feel, that's what therapy is all about. I don't believe she will reject you or get angry at you, therapy is about learning how to communicate in relationships. Let her help you...
27th-Jul-2006 03:51 pm (UTC)
I've got to know: what does IMHO stand for??
27th-Jul-2006 04:00 pm (UTC)
In My Humble Opinion

IMNSHO - In My Not So Humble Opinion
27th-Jul-2006 03:43 pm (UTC)
Hmmm. Sometimes when people work in the field of counselling, I reckon they allow some of their own opinions and ideas to cloud their vision when dealing with each individual case. I personally don't see what's wrong with sharing finances. What if you were a straight married couple? Would she feel the same?

She should be asking you how YOU feel about the no-sex thing not telling you what you need to do. Especially if you haven't asked.

Why don't you challenge her on this? Tell her that you feel you don't want to discuss your relationship because she doesn't appear to be objective about it. No?
27th-Jul-2006 03:50 pm (UTC)
I would encourage you to speak the unarguable truth with her, using lots of "I feel" statements to express exactly what you did here.

For example:

I feel confused and angry (replace the feeling words if they don't fit) when you say I shouldn't help Vicki with her therapy payments. When I think about doing that, I feel calm, centered, and happy in my body. When I hear you criticize it, I feel afraid.

Being completely authentic with her (and yourself!) will open up the exchange and force her to be authentic with you in terms of what she is "hinting" at.

Bottom line, you know how you feel and what feels good to you in your body. If you feel confused about whether she is right or full of shit, check in with your body sensations and try to listen to what they are telling you.

Good luck! Hope this helps!
27th-Jul-2006 05:22 pm (UTC)
Your therapist, though she has her degree, is no different from anyone else in having opinions about things. She is putting her opinions into your situation. Esp. regarding the sex subject: I never thought anything anyone does regarding sex is "normal". It's what it is for you. It's not like you're trying to fit into some statistic in her psych book or something. You're a unique individual and she should realize that. I would remind her of that if she continues on the way she has been. If you think she's talking shit, call her on it. She's no different from you. She's just a person trying to make it through life day-to-day and she puts her pants on one leg at a time just like you do.
27th-Jul-2006 09:55 pm (UTC)
I encountered this same issue with my therapist a couple years back. The really difficult thing, is that if we wholeheartedly and blindly believe what our therapist advises, it might still not be the best for us.

Talk this out with your therapist. aliwadha had some great dialog to start with. I personally think it's *good* that you're willing to help cover the finances of her therapy. My friends covered my therapy costs for almost a year when I was struggling to find the motivation to go, and money was a good excuse to not go (thereby helping me to stop blocking myself from getting help!)

I know why your therapist is being cautious - she might think you're overinvesting, or over-exerting yourself in trying to make this work. It's okay to acknowledge that she has a right to feel concerned while still being comfortable that you're *not* doing those things right now
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