l (candykisses00) wrote in _survivors_,

It's been a couple months since my AWFUL incident at a highschool party. (click here for details) It's been so difficult for me to carry on with my life like nothing ever happened. Just so i could get by, I pretty much shut everything that every had to do with that night OUT of my life. I completely avoided the town, I dropped out of school, I stopped talking to any friends I had there... and when anybody even my parents asked what happened, I'd say I didn't want to talk about it. It's so difficult though.... and it's affected me so much. I don't understand why this happened to me... and why I'm such a failure. such a complete fuck up. I recently had a boyfriend of three weeks or so, and I told him what happened and he held it against me. He told me that the situation was MY FAULT.... and I suppose it was... since I was drinking with people I hardly knew.... but still, no means no. That killed me, so I dumped him. I've hung out with my share of guys... and I'm sure they're nice, decent and good looking.... but I'm not interested anymore. I'm so bitter towards them and I feel that I could never trust a man EVER AGAIN. I'm convinced that I'm a lesbian now which isn't bad at all.. Anywho, since I dropped out of that highschool I managed to scrap up enough credits to graduate early and attend community college. I went to get my classes sorted out, and I ran into somebody from my public school and they asked me why I left and told me that everybody school thought I lied about it. He also told me that a group of girls wanted to KILL ME. ugh... I've tried SO hard to just put it all behind me, and now i'm back again. It just hurts so bad.... I started crying on the way back home.... I can't explain it, but I'm so angry and tired of having to deal with all this pain and guilt. I feel hopeless all the time and I am depressed. I don't want to be scared or ashamed... because it wasn't my fault... and I want to be strong and stick up for myself. I don't think it was entirely my fault...... Sorry, I'm rambling... but I just need support and help. I don't know what to do... I just want to get over it all. =(
Tags: rape: substance-induced, seeking support, victim-blaming

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