Rachel (arsinoea) wrote in _survivors_,

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in relation to previous post..?

cut for sensative material.
im gonna be blunt, for thats the only way i can explain.

i have had a hard time with healthy sexual behaviour in the past, basicly just not being very comfortable with my sexuality, unsure how to react to things, ect. my boyfriend, understanding this, suggested masterbation, and encouraged me to get a vibrator. well, it sure helped. (i, in turn, encourage any one who has been contemplating it to go out and get one. verrry good idea). i learned what pleasure is, and that i do not need to depend on someone else in order to get it. it has become a regular thing with me, and very thereputic. i also have decided to understand what i like sexually, because i wasnt really aware. i watch porn (just a side note: wheres all the female-centered porn?! its not allll guys out there). i kind of know now i guess, its more of an emotional thing, and deciding what feels right for me.

at first, all of this was only to benefit my sex life with my boyfriend, but it has since "empowered" me also. i feel sexy, i feel like a girl who is in charge because i am owning my own sexuality. i am proud of myself and what i have learned.

but, since recalling the "forgotten" assualt a few days ago, i have not been able to orgasm. not with my boyfriend, not by myself. nothing has really changed, im not even upset about remembering. its fustrating, because i am considerably spoiled due to my new-found sexual liberation. i dont want my abusers to still be subconciously keeping me down. i do own "The Sexual Healing Journey" (im not sure of the author right now, but its quite well known), but have not yet read it. has anyone gone through a simaler situation? any ideas?

thank you for reading, im very open with this kind of stuff and it doesnt really phase me to be posting it on a community. i feel that there are many questions reguarding this subject that need to be adressed. i feel that owning your sexuality is extremely important to survivors, as well as every woman.
Tags: seeking opinions, sex

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