Rachel (arsinoea) wrote in _survivors_,

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cut for triggers, remembering another forgotten assualt.

a few days ago, i was laying in bed, contemplating the number of people i have slept with, as well as the number of times i have been involved in a date rape. the number of people i have slept with is technicly four, but i question the fourth many times. the number of rapes is three. then it hit me. i missed one. i had completely forgotten about a particularily unnerving incident (or maybe, my brain had blocked it out until now?). i was drunk. i remember being nearly unable to move. there was someone else in the room, a semi-close guy friend, and his friend was raping me. i think he assumed that it was completely consentual and thus, fell asleep. i remember many details. i remember feeling frozen, not even intoxicated anymore, but unsure of how to react. so i acted like i enjoyed it, i suppose. that is what i did with every incident.

i suppose this one in particular was my fault. i had been drinking, i was 16, and i wanted to avoid going home, so i went home with this guy that i hardly knew; a friend of a guy i knew only a little better. i mean, i had been involved in an alcohol related rape before, although unconventional, i am certainly sure that it wasnt warranted, considering that i was going overboard in my first time experiencing drugs and alcohol. but then again, the second time, i still did not count the first time as rape in any way, but as an embarassing way to lose one's virginity.

so, tell me again, for all the times i have been told, and promptly forgotten. tell me, what really happened? because i do not know.
Tags: memories: repressed, rape: substance-induced, victim-blaming

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