lostmyfaith (lostmyfaith) wrote in _survivors_,

 Sorry this is kinda out of the blue but, i have just been thinking..
Okay so I havent had a serious relationship with a guy in a long time.
Not that I dont want one or am not looking..
and then like two months ago this guy
(one of my super close friends) and I
started talking.
I have always kind of had a crush on him and he has also, 
we tried having a relationship before 
but he broke it off for stupid reasons.
He is a year younger than me 
so I kinda expect his immaturity.
But when he broke it off before he really hurt me 
and when we started talking again he swore he wouldn't hurt me again.
And he knows about my rape and stuff too.
So anyway,
we started talking again
and about a month later he 
decided he was too busy for a relationship.
And he is really really busy.
he has school, church, baseball, MUN, and 
he is a boyscout leader.
(funny I know)
but he is a really great guy.
Well anyway,
when we were in our "dating stage."
He kinda restored my faith a little in boys.
That there are some great guys out there,
like he would text me when he was gone and tell me how
he missed me and stuff.
And when he broke it off 
it killed me all over again.
I took comfort though in the fact
that it wasn't me that he got over.
Okay so I just went on a two day trip with 
my best friend her boyfriend and
my best guy friend.
One night we were up late talking 
and my best friend's boyfriend
is that guys good friend.
(If that makes sense??)
And we started talking about him.
He asked how I felt towards him.
And I said I have no hard feelings 
towards him, but am a
little pissed he has been 
avoiding me so much since he is the one
who said lets not stop hanging out.
He was like yea,
and it came out that I guess like three weeks
into our dating period he
decided he was over me.
And he even at one point said 
"She always texts me and wont let 
me hang out with the boys..."
and my best friends boyfriend,
not agreeing and seeing the truth
was like,
" dude you hung out with the guys tues, wed,
thur, and tonight is fri....
if you find any girl with that long of a leash 
then your lucky"
and he was just like yea...blah blah blah.

That really hurts.
    First off,
to act like I was needy.
When in reality
I dont care what a bf does 
as long as he doesn't freaking
cheat on me.
(I have been cheated on as well.)
Is extremely hurtful.
     And second, 
to know it was me.
To know I drove 
away an amazing guy....
Story of my life.
Every boy
who I find who has an amazing heart,
I drive them away.
But every guy
who is an asshole,
I attract.

Maybe thats my destiny?
Maybe I am bound to
be with an asshole,
Or to be alone for the rest of my life??
I used to believe
there was that one out there for everyone...
But what now???
How can I keep believing that 
when all evidence points to the opposite?

Help me guys,
I can't stop thinking about what he said.
And how he pretended to be my friend
and still like me.
My trust is back at 0.
And I feel really alone.
Any advice???

Advice please....Im so confused.

Tags: relationships, venting

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