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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
can you feel the butterflies? 
19th-Jul-2006 12:25 am
beauty
okay, i promise, last post tonight.

my dad was an artist. he used oil pastels, and his pictures loocked as if they were painted with light. he drew mostly landscapes, serene, sometimes tubulent, depending on his life at the moment. one time, when he was in his prime, i believe, he painted a butterfly for me. i think because he knew i liked bugs. many years later, when i had begun to hate his life (he was an alcoholic, but that was a symptom of a deep depressive disorder, one i have inherited), the picture sat in my closet, dusty, the glass in the frame broken thanks to books pilled on top of it. when he died, this painting had new meaning for me. i had survived sexual assult, and could identify with the butterfly emerging from the husk of its cacoon.

one time, i drew this picture in black ink of a butterfly black and white. it was torn at the edges, one wing was almost dislocated. this was in the time of not being able to speak of what had happened to me. i showed it to my dad, and he seemed to know. he took my template and created something like a moth, with swirling edges in the wings, but still devoid of color or anything in the backround.

as a testement to my father, who had lived an unfullfilled life due to circumstances of genetics and hardship, who i loved, and as a testement to my rising above circumstances,i want to design a tattoo that incorperates all of these things into one. my body tells a story, of scars and depth and beauty that i want to be etched into clear pictures and print one day. all of these experiences have made me, and what better way to share a story?

i dont know why im sharing this. i guess ive thought about it, but wanted to write it out.
Comments 
(Deleted comment)
19th-Jul-2006 05:53 am (UTC)
exactly.
19th-Jul-2006 06:27 am (UTC)
Those should really beautiful. Is there any way you can show it to us? I'd love to see it, if you don't object to it.
19th-Jul-2006 06:43 am (UTC)
That sounds so beautiful.
19th-Jul-2006 06:56 am (UTC)
i can try to take pictures when i find a new camera (i lost my boyfriends digital at mount rushmore :0.) it may be awhile.
19th-Jul-2006 11:58 am (UTC)
tattoos have their own healing power too. "Tattoos like my own markers map the distance I have come/ Winning some, losing some" - Ani Difranco

Sounds like a great idea :)
19th-Jul-2006 04:50 pm (UTC)
ani is a goddess.
19th-Jul-2006 05:53 pm (UTC)
this was a beautiful thing to read - thanks for posting it.

I can relate to the feeling like living a life with depression is unfulfilling.. but your dad did a lot - his pictures, his imprint on you... I like thinking about that - that the depression is so big.. but things still happen.. and we leave lasting impressions (not all bad ones too) that last longer than we do.
19th-Jul-2006 08:29 pm (UTC)
That sounds awesome, and very empowering!
20th-Jul-2006 12:11 am (UTC)
That's beautiful. Tattoos can be so very healing, especially when you're reclaiming a once negative image as a positive one. You can look at it every day and know that you survived... it's a beautiful thing
21st-Jul-2006 09:18 am (UTC)
That's beautiful. I inherited depression from my dad too. I tmakes me feel nice to know I'm not the only one cursed by genetics.
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