The crazy one... In chains. (ascarredbody) wrote in _survivors_,
The crazy one... In chains.
ascarredbody
_survivors_

I can't talk about how I feel. I just can't.

I feel like crap. I hate my inability to talk about how I feel. Or about my opinions in general. I'm horribly afraid of what people will say I guess.

I was on the phone with my boyfriend a little while ago. And he said something I really didn't like. Not triggering, per se, just something I STRONGLY disagree with. And for awhile there was a bit of awkward talk, and then we got off the phone. I thought about it for awhile, and decided that I really should talk to him about, if I want our relationship to really work. (It was something I disagree with that strongly). So I wrote everything I wanted to say down on paper, I knew if I tried to talk about it from scratch, it would never work at all. I spent quite a deal of time working on what I wanted to say. Then I called him up again. He answered the phone and I froze, I just really froze. Then he asked me how my day was, and I said "Fine" I had a little mini-panic attack, and didn't say anything at all from the sheet of paper. I just went along with his chit-chit and then he had to go. When he got off the phone I busted out crying.

I just can't do it. I can't talk about how I feel when it's about things that make me feel bad. I can't do it. I mean I can think of twice that I've done it about minor things, and I cried and cried. The first time was over the phone, the second time I kept my face completely away. I hate it, I hate it so much. It make any feeling I'm feeling that much worse because I know I can't talk about it. It sets me off into a full-blown panic attack.

This time I just really need advice on how to deal with it, because it's something my boyfriend and I really need to talk about. and I need to do it with out freaking out and hyperventilating. 

[Edit] - I just got to crying really really bad. I know I don't think I can stop.  I need to before my mom gets home. If I don't  she's going to ask me a bunch of questions, and that's going to make things worse. And she'ss get all pissy if I don't answer them. Which all goes back to the I can't talk about my feelings.

Fuck!
Tags: communication, fight with partner
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