earthygirrl (earthygirrl) wrote in _survivors_,

I'm feeling scared......

So, I've fallen back into my normal routine. Basically ignoring everything that happened and my feelings surrounding it. You know feels nice not to think about it....but only for so long. There's a saddness that hangs over my head at all times. When I look back and read my journals, I realize how long I have been depressed. As some of you may remember, I did try to find a therepist only to be told by my insurance company that can not cover it until febuary of 2007 becuase it is a pre-existing condition. I have my name on a waiting list with one free service agency in town.

below cut: ranting about fear

It's hard because I don't want to think about it. I want to pretend like it never happened. I want everything to be happy and good and peacful. But that's not the way things go. Even when it appears I have everything...well almost....I'm still not happy.

I've had about three to four dreams in the last two months that involve insect in one way or another. I put them up for anaylsis on a dream board. There is a person there that has responded several times and let's me know, that even if my dreams aren't obvious about "it", they are mostly about what happened and my feelings involving it. My dreams are basically screaming at me, telling me to begin to heal myself. That I deserve to me happy. Funny. Cause, even as I type those words, I know I don't believe that. There's a lot I don't believe about myself. I realize what some of them are. But in order to better my own judgement of myself, I have to begin the healing process. Which mean.....talking about it.

It's really scary. It's really really scary. But I don't want to be unhappy forever. I want to love for once. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I'm crazy about. Everything is great. But I have a wall up still. That wall blocks anyone's entrance to my love. That wall blocks my exit to loving others.

I think back to the person who did "it" it me. They were a psychologist/therepist. I remember telling him that I felt like my father may have done something bad to me. Sexually. His response was: To forget about the past and move into the future. (excuse my language now......You crock of shit asshole!) Yeah......

I feel lost. I don't really know where to start. I can't see the end. I suppose the first step would be to just talk about what happened. Then what? I don't know. All I know is I'm scared......
Tags: dreams, emotional numbing, processing

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