Rachel (arsinoea) wrote in _survivors_,

need to vent.

my mom is having sex with a man she met over the internet.
a man who looks and reminds me of my rapist.
a man who has been married three times.
i woke up to some awful sounds coming from the room next door where my sister and i were sleeping. after shes done, she comes in and sleeps in the same bed.

my dad has only died a few months ago. theyve been divorced for a few years, but i find the inconsideration to mine and my sister's feelings very disrespectful.

i, on the other hand, often have sex with my boyfriend in a room adjacent to my mother's room. go figure.

so now im drinking a mikes hard lemonade that i do not have permission to drink, because i feel awful and very very confused. i am three states away from home, very suicidal, and not coming home for a few days yet.

last night, i had an outburst of rage and refused to sleep in the house where this has been going on so i went out to sleep in the van. my mother would not leave me alone, she has no idea how much she has hurt me. she punched me, i kicked her, and she fell down a hill. i woke up with no memory of this, or to as why all of my things were packed up and in the van. i need help. i need comfort.

i need to sleep for three days straight. and then, talk to no one.

i also found a few cuts on my leg, definately self-inflicted. i do not remember inflicting these.

i have also been kicked out of the house.

this is all just a short run down. theres lots of backround story. i have been in completely good mental health until i went on this vacation. i am not having flashbacks, really, but general feelings of hate, boiling, burning hate that i dont know if i can control. just like i did after the rape.
Tags: stress, triggers: reminder of abuser, venting

  • Thought Stirring Post Public

    On a very basic level, memory, and reminders, can be a survival tactic, something that has helped us as a species from the very earliest days. Once…

  • Dealing with anger and depression

    My grandmother called my mother last night to tell her that Tina, my brother Randy's wife (they were separated) died in a car accident. My…

  • not doing well...

    I'm not going to kill myself. But I realize that every night, I am praying that God ends it. I have a beautiful daughter, and while I'm sure I'm a…

  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for members only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded