a man who looks and reminds me of my rapist.
a man who has been married three times.
i woke up to some awful sounds coming from the room next door where my sister and i were sleeping. after shes done, she comes in and sleeps in the same bed.
my dad has only died a few months ago. theyve been divorced for a few years, but i find the inconsideration to mine and my sister's feelings very disrespectful.
i, on the other hand, often have sex with my boyfriend in a room adjacent to my mother's room. go figure.
so now im drinking a mikes hard lemonade that i do not have permission to drink, because i feel awful and very very confused. i am three states away from home, very suicidal, and not coming home for a few days yet.
last night, i had an outburst of rage and refused to sleep in the house where this has been going on so i went out to sleep in the van. my mother would not leave me alone, she has no idea how much she has hurt me. she punched me, i kicked her, and she fell down a hill. i woke up with no memory of this, or to as why all of my things were packed up and in the van. i need help. i need comfort.
i need to sleep for three days straight. and then, talk to no one.
i also found a few cuts on my leg, definately self-inflicted. i do not remember inflicting these.
i have also been kicked out of the house.
this is all just a short run down. theres lots of backround story. i have been in completely good mental health until i went on this vacation. i am not having flashbacks, really, but general feelings of hate, boiling, burning hate that i dont know if i can control. just like i did after the rape.