g a b r i e | | e (byshadowfly) wrote in _survivors_,
g a b r i e | | e

I feel empowered to post this, but I'm slightly hesitant because I know that it contains some hardcore triggers. This is the account I wrote after I was raped last year. Very detailed descriptions lie herein. Seriously. If reading it will trigger you, don't.

I'm feeling that courage thing. So here goes.

It's like the breath has been knocked out of you, like a fist has slammed it's way through layers of skin and forced unconsciousness around you. It's like...you were almost safe in your own body. It's like one day you wake up and you can't breathe and you can't move and you realize there's a body on top of you thrusting thrusting and a scream catches in your throat and you try to move your legs but you're stuck. Stuck? You're stuck and his hips are slamming into your thighs and an incredible guilt settles in on you because you know Katie will be disappointed when she finds out you had sex and your hands find a way between your bodies and you push up and you find room to breathe now that his weight isn't crushing your lungs. stop wait a minute stop that's all you can utter - no was never a word that worked anyway - but he keeps going - too late to stop now and you wait and you wait and you bite your tongue and you try not to scream but who are you protecting anyway? amber's not here. you're alone. you're not alone. Hi Kirk, how ya doin'? Thrusting and thrusting and pain pain god just stop already please please please stop god stop and then his arms let up, his face contorts, he's crushing you with his body and five minutes pass while you feel the burn and the blood and the semen mix together and run onto the bed then he's up and what do you do what do you do? Is it 'sometime before four' yet? it's almost four you grab your jeans you throw them on you stand as close to the outside you can get without it being outside you ache to cut you ache to smoke you ache to die please die please die you can feel his breath on your neck then you see katie -katie!!- and his breath is gone, his presence is gone you're alone and katie's here katie's here thank god thank god thank god thank you thank you thank you thank you smile at them, better smile so they don't think something's wrong. SMILE!!


I wrote this on the one year anniversary:

rivers. dancing rivers, dark droplets like a cold rain dousing the air just inhaled. cold - is this fear? - and secrets running deep streams of shame, regret, anger, lies into the pale skin adorning her soul. adorning, not hiding, adorning. frames of life in the mind: birth, blood, boobs, razors, rape - too much too fast too fleeting - this is not how it was imagined, surely, surely there is a final destination not confined to the cold walls of this room. rivers, and perhaps it is only a wish in which they exist, those rivers, so fine and obsolete and rare and spurned from what? what? you melodramatic fool. only crying, only the urge, only the vulnerability.


Sorry for the honesty. It's hard for me to read that and I haven't done so in quite awhile. I'm filling up the hole inside with the words I wrote. Funny how it's working out. Listen, I know I'm a newbie freakazoid, but I really feel like I want to get to know you all. So if anyone ever feels in need of a friend, my email is allelsefades@gmail.com

peace <3
Tags: poetry/prose, rape: acquaintance/date

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