CyanideEffect (cyanideeffect) wrote in _survivors_,
CyanideEffect
cyanideeffect
_survivors_

So...Im off to Summerfest today...woo..Thats ok. I love Summerfest. Im going to see Seether and Panic! at the disco. BUT, im going with a boy....that I like...omfg.
OK this may seem really...trivial..but its not. I dont do things like this that often...at all. And it freaks me out that im going with him, only because I like him. I dont even know if he likes me back...well kinda. I kinda do but not the point.

Anyway, Its not freaking me out right now, but yesturday it was. And I wanted to know why this happends, and to explain it to see if anyone eles has this..so Im not just weird.
Ok. so last night I was just thinking...I mean nothing happend. He didnt do anything and neither did I . I hate this is so fucking annoying.
So like...it will feel like I have fire for blood, and everything will hurt. I mean it will literally hurt to sit still. I have to keep moving, and Im just so antsy adn anxious. And like...the adreneline is insane. For those of you who ride rollercoasters, its like sitting on the top of one, just before you drop. I mean its that insane. And Ill shake and Ill cry and its just..ugh. Its not ok. I am really not ok when I do that. 

The thing is, I havent felt like that since my dad left. Until yesturday, until He came alone. When I was..maybe ...9 I felt like this alllll the time. 24/7 and I made myself so sick like that. Than it stopped when my dad left. I dont know why. With any and most likely every boy I freak out like this. I kinda know why, I know who caused this. but WHY???

I hate this its so fucking annoying and I have to get over this. I willl not still be this afriad in two years. I wont. If I push myself I will. I cant keep doing this. How do I fix this?
Tags: abuse: child, anxiety, coping skills, friendships, trust
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