But I've realized something. Before I can expect someone to accept me for who I am, I have to also accept myself.
There's been this trend in my life, which a locked entry in one of the LJ communities I'm in has brought to the surface. With survivors, I've noticed a trend of control. Somehow we couldn't control what our attackers have done to us, so we control ourselves in some way or another.
Eating disorders seem to be popular, as is cutting. I've noticed that cutting is for several reasons, either to feel something, show the pain that's inside, punishment, etc, etc. Addictions are rampant. Smoking, drinking, shopping, drugs. Obsessive/compulsive actions tend to show up, like my locking doors.
I've also noticed that suicide attempts or intrusive suicidal thoughts are also common. It's not necessarily for any attempt to remove oneself from the world, but to remove the pain from the self. Sometimes things hurt so bad that you want something, anything to change. The pain has to come out somehow, and usually the overwhelming guilt and/or anger is transmuted to self-destructive tendencies. My doctor called it "passive suicidality", meaning that one does not actively seek death (such as slitting the wrist or putting a bullet in the brain), but courts it cautiously. Taking too many sleeping pills, drinking and driving, drugs...all have the risk of death, but it's not a sure thing.
Hm. I have to think about this topic a little more...any thoughts?