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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
I haven't posted here in awhile because things have been so hectic.… 
1st-Jul-2006 11:34 am
I haven't posted here in awhile because things have been so hectic. It seemed like things were going so good for my friend.
Today is the day that the baby my friend had from being raped was born.  He died 4 days later.  She was raped almost a year later at the cemetary he's at and she hasn't been able to go back.  It reminds her of everything that went out in the past two years and she gets uncontrolablly depressed and I don't know what to do about it.  She barely wants to talk to me.  When she does she's upset.  She told me she had given up all hope of getting better yesterday.  She took a trip to a friend of her family's summer home for a week and she's all by herself now and it worries me.  She doesn't want to sleep.  Recently she was taking 25 mgs of Zoloft but she's taking 50 mgs again, she was taking 100 for part of the time last year but she said it made her feel suicidal so she stopped.  She doesn't want to go to the lady she was going to for therapy because she said she feels like it isn't helping.  I told her I'd help her find a new one, which she actually seemed open to, but I suggested she go see a behaviorist type therapist, because I think that'd help her deal with the anxiety of going to the cemetary, so she'd stop feeling so bad for not going to his grave (and I know she shouldn't, because she's been through so much, but it's natural that you're going to feel bad for not going to your child's grave), but she said she couldn't do that.  I realize this would be intense, but I don't know what to do.  She did agree to go to group therapy though.  That's at least a plus.  She's majoring in psychology with a minor in social work, but she said that "someone with her issues" shouldn't do something like that.  And that alls she's ever going to be good at is being a waitress and that she should drop out of school.  I'm sorry I don't think this is flowing very well at the moment, sorry if it's hard to keep up with.  I asked her if she'd get a book about grief and one for the sexual abuse, but she said she wouldn't because it would just tell her all the things that her therapist tells her anyway.  She hasn't been sleeping very good at all, she woke up early this morning, and she used to call me if she woke up from a bad dream but she stopped doing that.  She says her medicine isn't helping her and therapy isn't helping her but there have been times that she's been doing so good and I wish she could see that.  I know a lot of it has to do with what time of the year it is, but I'm really worried about her.  She's never been this bad before, or this depressed.  I'm scared she might hurt herself or worse.  I keep telling her how strong she is, but she doesn't believe me.  She just says she's weak and dumb or an idiot.  It hurts me when she says that because she's my life.  I don't know what I'd do without her and I love her so much.  I wish I could make her feel all better.  I'd do anything for her to feel happy again.  If anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.  Again sorry if this is hard to read.
Comments 
1st-Jul-2006 03:58 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, and does anyone know anything about what can cause placenta to rupture (or at least the fear that it will from the doctors). I read somewhere on the internet that it can be because of trauma to that area prior to conception, but I'd like a more factual site if someone has anything or knows anything? She thinks its her fault he died because she didn't want him, but her body was under such trauma that I don't think she could carry a baby, and if someone has any medical evidence that damage to that area can cause the placenta to rupture I would appreciate it (the doctors thought it was going to and so they had to deliver the baby way early, which is why he didn't make it). She also thinks she should have never left her other son at his father's grandparents that day so I don't know how much it will help, but working through one thing at a time is the best I can hope for. Then trying to convince her that she couldn't have known he'd have been there alone with her son when she got there, and that she couldn't have known she would have gotten raped has to be next. Again thanks.
2nd-Jul-2006 05:43 pm (UTC)
Something that might help her with grieving her son would be to write him a letter, or send a stuffed animal she's hugged to his grave. That way she can send him love, without being triggered back to her rape in the cemetary.

Anniversaries of trauma can make everything feel like it's not working, from therapy to medications, to just her normal coping skills. Hopefully, with time, it will be a bit easier.

Until then, keep doing what you're doing - you're a great supporter. Remind her how important she is, how much she is loved, and keep being there for her. You do everything right by your own instincts - you're doing a great job.

Placenta rupture (from what I know) is usually caused by physical trauma - falling down, being hit, etc. The placenta is like a really squishy water balloon that helps feed the baby - so it gets ruptured by trauma usually, just like a balloon popping. I know that sometimes the placenta mis-forms, so there's a weak spot in it. If there's a weak spot (which doesn't mean there was anything wrong with her, can just be a normal complication), the balloon's more likely to burst, just with the weight of the baby.

So if she had a weak spot on her placenta, whether from physical trauma or just a pregnancy complication, she'd need to deliver early to protect the baby, even if it means dangerous things as far as delivering a pre-term baby. That make sense?
2nd-Jul-2006 05:53 pm (UTC)
Been can it be caused by trauma from before conception? I've read that it could but I want to make sure.
2nd-Jul-2006 06:33 pm (UTC)
It could be - if trauma before conception caused damage to her uterus, or any other internal organ - she could be more likely to develop a placenta with a weak spot.
5th-Jul-2006 06:16 pm (UTC)
I asked her if she wanted to write him a letter and it seemed to put her in a better mood. We talked for longer today then we have all week. I'm going to ask her about the stuffed animal too. Maybe see if she wants to sleep with it for a week or something then see if someone can bring it to the cemetary for her.
5th-Jul-2006 08:09 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that would be great, too - storing up lots of hugs in the stuffed animal to send to her son. I'm glad the suggestion helped!
6th-Jul-2006 01:12 am (UTC)
It helped for awhile, then this evening she's upset again. Doesn't help that her dog got hit by a car and died tonight. She has the worst luck.
6th-Jul-2006 02:14 pm (UTC)
Oh, that's horrible! Sometimes it seems that life just has the worst timing for these things.
3rd-Jul-2006 05:08 pm (UTC)
The placenta is not formed until post conception. Placenta's can be weakened due to trauma but it would have to have been detached from the uterus itself. It is impossible to have been caused by the mother. It's just not physically possible.
3rd-Jul-2006 06:57 pm (UTC)
Sorry you misunderstood me or I failed to say it... She thinks that something happened to the baby because for about 2 months into the pregnency she didn't want the baby and prayed that she'd lose it. She thinks that God made something happen to him because of her. If it was something from the trauma before pregnency it'd make her feel better (if you can from losing a child no matter how long they lived or the circumstances). I believe it did deattach from the uterus though. I'd have to ask her sister to make sure though.
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