Rachel (arsinoea) wrote in _survivors_,

hello everyone, i have just joined thanks to my good friend julia, who is also a member.

my name is rachel, most people call me rae. i live in the midwest, and im 18 years old. i cant remember much of what happened to me, but im hoping with writing in here, maybe ill remember. counslers have told me that the details arent important, but they are to me. i was raped when i was 15 at my first ever highschool drinking party, and date raped twice within two weeks by different men when i was 17. a week later, i met the man who i believe i will marry. i had been with him for months, and around the time of my fathers death, before i turned 18, i suddenly remembered everything. well, at the time it came out as me confessing to my boyfriend that i had slept with more people than he had previously been informed of. and then i thought about it, and something just didnt feel right. my boyfriend gave me a number to a local rape counsling center, and i started meeting with a counsler. on and off, and on and off again, i would go back and forth from very firmly believeing that i was indeed raped, from just as firmly believeing that i was making it up for attention, or was a slut for being drunk and flirtatious. i know now that it is not my fault, there was nothing i could have done to prevent it. the counsling centre that i was at had only temp counslers, and soon there was no one to meet with. after that, i sort of unintentionally ignored the whole subject. but lately, i have seen proof that you cant let thingss like this go unfinished. a number of things have shown me this. so after spilling my guts to julia, she directed me here. and after reading some things, something set me off last night and i became determined to get my boyfriend out of my life, which is really the last thing i want. it was very messy, feelings were hurt, and i was not myself. but things are okay, there are some things that need to be worked on though. and i need to express myself more, as all of my creativity and social aptness is hindered by what happened to me. maybe with writing and reading within this site, i can unlearn all the destructive habits i have been forming.

i promise i will write more, probibly many details that i remember from the assualts because i really need to get it out and tell my story. i am usually a very matter-of-fact person when it comes to this sort of thing, and very blunt. i think its time i stop being so utterly stoic about the situation and feel something other than intense anger.

i appreciate all the advice and encouragement i can get. please oblige me.
Tags: rape: acquaintance/date, rape: substance-induced, therapy

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