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I can only have an orgasm when I fantasize about horrible things,… 
21st-Jun-2006 12:42 pm
I can only have an orgasm when I fantasize about horrible things, like being raped or gang bangs, things like that. Occasionally I'll have flashbacks while having sex or masturbating. This doesn't actually turn me on, in fact - it makes me feel disgusted and angry. But I suppose I can't think of sex as love. I'm ashamed and I don't want it to be like this anymore. I really can't enjoy anything sex related in a normal way, but I want to. I want to make love instead of fucking without any real feelings.

I'm in therapy, but I don't have the guts to talk about this face to face to someone I barely know. I don't know any one of you, either, but it's a little less awkward and I'm hoping to find some understanding.

Does anyone have similar experiences?
21st-Jun-2006 12:09 pm (UTC)


I cannot orgasm without a terrible fantasy like the ones you speak about. I thought I was the only one that felt this way-- that I was the only sick one. I have tried to have healthy fantasies ie ones about people I love, but it just doesn't work. It always turns into the terrible rape fantasies.

I don't know how to "make love". I only know how to fuck. I am completely numb during sex of any kind and fell terrible afterward.

You are not alone. I wonder though if there's a way for this to be changed for us. I wish I knew the cure.

*safe hugglies*

21st-Jun-2006 12:22 pm (UTC)
I can relate to everything you've just said. It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way, especially because it's not something you talk about with other people - then again, I don't think I know any survivors..
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21st-Jun-2006 12:27 pm (UTC)
It's strange though, isn't it? I mean, even after we've been abused we can't stop fantasizing about it and getting off on it.
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21st-Jun-2006 12:29 pm (UTC)
21st-Jun-2006 12:47 pm (UTC)
fantasising about rape and stuff like that is quite normal for women and young people. It's a way of giving into your sexuality but not admitting that you want it (if that makes sense... it's quite paradoxical.)

I've no advice though.
21st-Jun-2006 12:49 pm (UTC)
I suppose it's normal to some extent, yes.. but I don't know what to call it if you can't let go of it.
21st-Jun-2006 12:59 pm (UTC)
I guess you call it being in pain.

At a basic level you have associated sex and orgasms with pain and humiliation and force (which is normal considering your experiences.) You need to train yourself to associate it with love and gentleness. If I were going to train myself to associate love with sex then I'd start making love to myself. So I'd have a long bath (if you like baths), watch a romantic/ enjoyable film or read a book (maybe a book about love - but just gentle erotica, not BDSM stuff or anything), and change my bed clothes. Then I'd put on some music (nice relaxing stuff - not thrash metal or anything) and stroke myself - maybe with some massage oil. And then I'd maybe start touching myself - but gently. And if my mind wandered then I'd stop touching and just gently stroke myself until I was more focused on that touch than what thoughts were going on in my head.

Maybe that would work?
21st-Jun-2006 01:08 pm (UTC)
That sounds really nice!
21st-Jun-2006 01:20 pm (UTC)
Try it :)

It's all about changing the associations in your head. It's like dogs salivating when they see the tin-opener come out.

I really really hope you try it. And keep trying. We just rush ourselves too much sometimes.

If you find that at "the moment" you slip into your usual thoughts but you are too far gone to stop yourself (cause after all...there is a problem stopping after a certain line) then don't beat yourself up over it. It's all about re-educating your subconscious! The good thing about this is that you just get to practice, practice, practice ;)
21st-Jun-2006 01:22 pm (UTC)
You're absolutely right. It's so obvious, yet I was starting to think I would never be able to get it out of my head. I think, that after I've given it some time, it might work. :)
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21st-Jun-2006 03:09 pm (UTC)
It hasn't worked for me (yet) either, but I think that it might be something we can practive and perhaps learn to love. I don't know, but I hope so.
21st-Jun-2006 03:10 pm (UTC)
21st-Jun-2006 03:20 pm (UTC)
yeah - that's the thing. You just need to persevere. It's all about retraining. I have some personal experience of this - I am not going to go into it though :)

Perhaps get a vibrator. It makes it easier to come than if you're just using your hand... maybe that'd tip the balance.
21st-Jun-2006 03:24 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I was thinking about that as well.

I'm really not into the whole romantic movies and books thing, but I want to start out with reading some mild erotica. Do you have any suggestions? I really think I need to explore my sexuality some more, as in: what do I want and need.
21st-Jun-2006 04:30 pm (UTC)


You could try that. I like erotica sometimes - but alot of it borders on the "take me fast and hard on a desk" which (while erotic and fun) may not be what you have in mind.

I'd look for fantasies written by women for women. Male fantasies are different to women's - a lot more huge pulsing d**ks and the women saying "Take me harder etc." Also - the Mills and Boon type books (cheap, trashy, thin erotic fiction) might be quite good. It's definitely not going to have rape/abusive fantasies in it. http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0263850722/202-8137073-3200627?v=glance&n=266239

I don't know if you get this stuff in the the Netherlands - but I'm sure you'll have similar. Or Amazon will deliver!

I can recommend: http://www.edirectory.co.uk/sexydirectory/pages/moreinfoa.asp?pe=DFCHGCAQ_+ann+summers+knicker+critter&cid=1016
for a sex toy (blush - but it's only between us girls, eh?) I don't use it with my boyfriend...but I like it!

21st-Jun-2006 05:06 pm (UTC)
this is quite a nice story (IMHO - a bit of mild bondage...but very loving.)

21st-Jun-2006 05:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you SO much. That's very helpful!
21st-Jun-2006 06:38 pm (UTC)
not a problem at all. I hope I was of some help. Let me know how it goes :)
21st-Jun-2006 03:33 pm (UTC)
I was like that for years but now I can have sex without having any bad thoughts or feelings whatsoever. I just want you to know you are doing the right things by getting therapy and even talking about it here and it WILL get better for you. A lot of it is about finding safe people you trust to be intimate with and finding the courage to love and forgive yourself.
21st-Jun-2006 05:30 pm (UTC)
I have *definitely* experienced this too. If it helps any, this is actually a fairly common thing for survivors of sexual assault.

Your body is trying, in a really weird way, to re-live the trauma. Your body's view of things is that if you can re-live the trauma mentally and still be okay, then the past will be righted and you can be healed. Sadly, our body doesn't realize how horribly traumatic and *un-healing* the process is.

Getting therapy will help a *lot* - even if you don't talk about the fantasies. Just unearthing some of your emotions about your trauma will help significantly.

Something that helped me was intentionally trying to make new associations with sex. Try fantasizing about a controlled rape fantasy - fantasizing that it is entirely consensual play-rape. I know, they are so similar... but that difference between non-consensual violence and consensual rough sex pretend rape is enough to take one step away from the fantasies, while still being enough to give you an orgasm (or at least, it helped me to do so).

Also, if you're able to, when you see a healthy sexual attitude, or see people "making love" in movies and such, try to focus on it, make it stand out in your mind. As your therapy progresses and your brain holds onto the unhealthy fantasies less, your brain will produce all the memories of healthy sex you've seen, and will make the transition easier.

::big hugs::
21st-Jun-2006 09:52 pm (UTC)
It was that way for me for a while. Sometimes I lapse into it, but more often than not, I can be "normal".
There is nothing sick about it dear. It's a deffense mechanism. If you feel bad about wanting sex, it's away to think about it with out the guilt attached to want. As someone who was raised on R rated movies, usually containing aggressive sexual content or rape, I think it's THAT that started me out in that mindset--even if it was before your rape or abuse, it could be inspired by something you simply saw or witnessed.
I used to masturbate, and more recently, have sex with my eyes closed. I found by opening my eyes and watching what I or my partner did I've been able to utilize the new imagry and fantasize about that.
Be good to yourself, and don't worry too much :)
22nd-Jun-2006 05:29 am (UTC)
I've been having similar experiences lately as well, but more with voices in my head than actual visual fantasies. Like, when masturbating, hearing a voice in my head saying things like "come on b*tch, come on just do it, why aren't you feeling anything, just get off already", etc....

After a couple of times I realized that wasn't so nice, and really just programming from my abuse experiences, and that I didn't really like that voice all that much. THat's when I decided to rename my girl parts "beautiful", and talk really gently and lovingly to myself while touching myself. Saying encouraging things like "yes, beautiful, gorgeous, you're so lovely, make it exactly as you like it," etc. It sounds cheesy, and I'm a little nervous about posting it b/c its so new to me and feels so good that I don't want it to sound silly, but it really does work. It completely changed my experience of myself in one day.
22nd-Jun-2006 07:30 pm (UTC)
Occasionally I'll have flashbacks while having sex or masturbating. This doesn't actually turn me on, in fact - it makes me feel disgusted and angry.

Me, too. ::hugs, if you want them::
23rd-Jun-2006 07:35 pm (UTC)
This happens to me too. I fantasize about both consensual and forced sex acts. Both make me feel dirty and ashamed. Regarding the consensual "play rape" fantasies: I realize in my head that there is nothing wrong with liking such things. I have the problem of trying to reprogram my brain to get it out of the "parochial" box.

Don't feel alone, because you're not.
27th-Jun-2006 04:09 pm (UTC)
Ok even tho Im 16 and full on Virgin...omg if this is how I am when I first have sex...I'm ganna cry.

Best of luck to you. I hope you can figure it out.
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