margriet (thatsmydog) wrote in _survivors_,

I can only have an orgasm when I fantasize about horrible things, like being raped or gang bangs, things like that. Occasionally I'll have flashbacks while having sex or masturbating. This doesn't actually turn me on, in fact - it makes me feel disgusted and angry. But I suppose I can't think of sex as love. I'm ashamed and I don't want it to be like this anymore. I really can't enjoy anything sex related in a normal way, but I want to. I want to make love instead of fucking without any real feelings.

I'm in therapy, but I don't have the guts to talk about this face to face to someone I barely know. I don't know any one of you, either, but it's a little less awkward and I'm hoping to find some understanding.

Does anyone have similar experiences?
Tags: rape: fantasy
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