That girl in the great white north..... (anglo_don_juan) wrote in _survivors_,
That girl in the great white north.....

Frustrated Rant and a Sad Anniversary

I recently told my Aunt about the abuse that happened to me as a child. She is having a hard time dealing with it, which is understandable (it was her father that abused me for all those years). She has been internalizing a lot of it, and blaming herself ("oh if only I could have saved you from it" etc.). I have tried to tell her that it is in the past, it has happened, there is nothing we can do to change it, no matter how badly we want to.

What is so frustrating to me, besides the fact that she always wants to bring it up, when I am perfectly able these days to not have to think about it every day. She is bugging me to tell the rest of my family. She has stopped speaking to her father, which is a personal decision for her (I have minimal contact with him, but have not cut him completly out of my life because he is no longer abusive towards me).

My Grandmother griped at her today, because she did not send my grandfather a Father's Day card. First off, Granny knows that my Aunt is a Jehovah's Witness, therefore does not celebrate holidays. Second off, my Aunt wants to tell my Grandmother why she is mad! Which means exposing my secret! Now, I am 22 years old, and I have been healing for almost 7 years now (the abuse stopped when I was 16, and I started dealing with it then thanks to a VERY good friend and her mother). I am at a point in my healing where I can function. I can go about my daily life, and not think about it. I have other symptoms, but not all of them are from my grandfather's abuse (I also have a very abusive ex).

I don't understand why my Aunt can't just leave well enough alone. Thats fine if she wants to cut her parents out of her life, but I made the decision not to. I did stop speaking to them for years, but realised that life is short, and they are going to die, and I don't want them to die and my feel guilty, even if I have every reason in the world not to talk to them. I don't want my family to find out! I am already the black sheep of the family, I don't need my Aunt's help with that! I did tell my mom once, when I was 11, and I got beat for 'lying'. Sorry if I have bad memories from telling and don't want to do it again.

I know I am being childish about this, but it's MY SECRET! See that, MINE! I can choose who to tell and who not to tell, and I don't think at this time that I want to deal with the aftermath of my exposure. My grandfather is a sick (mental wise) old man. He will get what is coming to him, I completly believe in Hell, and I believe that there is a special place in hell for paedophiles. I'm sure I could press charges at this point, but for what? I mean, yes, I was raped at 10 years old, yes, I was molested and abused for as long as I can remember (close to 14 years), what would be the point of making him pay now? It would only make me feel GUILTY! I would not feel good, or vindicated from it. I would be hated even more than I already am, and that is not what I want.

I don't make waves in my life. I try and live my life and NOT PISS ANYONE OFF! If the world could get along, I could die a happy person. I know that me being such a people pleaser is a sign of my abuse, but I can see that, and I am working through it (on my own right now, but I have seen a counselor before and I will again when I get insurance). I just wish she would listen to me when I am so unresponsive to here questions about it. She asks point blank, and she can see that I am uncomfortable. I don't think I can come out and say "I don't want you to do this". I didn't even mean to tell her about it, she found some poetry on the computer, and made an assumption that it was about my ex, and then pried until I told her who it was really about. It felt good to tell her, because I have been living with my secret for 20 years. But I don't need anyone trying to run my life for me. I am a grown woman, I can do as I see fit. I have a job, I go to work, I buy my own groceries, I can function in a normal environment. I just wish I could stand up for myself to her. That is the worst effect from my abuse, I cannot stand up for myself for anything.

On a sad note, tomorrow 6/21 is the anniversary of the death of my son. Avery Jason Kennedy H. was born 6/21/03 at 8:13 am. He was 16 weeks premature, and his brain was not functioning when he was born. They disconnected the life support 12 hours and 24 minutes later. He passed away at 8:39 pm. He would be three years old tomorrow. I often think about the things that we would be doing now, and how different my life would be. All I have ever wanted is children of my own. All I have ever wanted is a family. There will be no one to celebrate his life, or mourn his death with me tomorrow. His father and I do not speak. I still have a restraining order 3 years after we broke up, because I am still in fear of my life from him (not so much now that I am 800 miles away). No one is interested in my son's life except me. I'm ok with that, I plan on celebrating his life in my own way tomorrow. Nothing fancy, there is no grave to visit (he was cremated, and I spread the ashes in a park where we used to sit when I was pregnant), but I can still do something to honour him. It is a sad day, but every year it gets easier to get up and live my life.

Sorry that got long winded, I just needed a place to vent.
Tags: abuse: csa, abuse: incest, anniversaries, mourning, telling others

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