Usually, I have either no sexual energy whatsoever or its something negative or fear-based. Being a survivor of sexual violence, sexuality and sexual energy is rather confusing to me, to say the least.
However. Doing some personal healing work and allowing myself to appreciate my sexuality (or at least working towards such a thing), all of a sudden my *positive* sexual energy has been unleashing, and I want to kiss every frickin woman I see!!!
Its really quite incredible. And, thankfully and rather surprisingly, its not scary at all, but instead, really really exciting!! (Mind you, I have not exactly officially "declared" my sexual preference towards women...just am kind of...leaning strongly in that direction without actually saying it out loud just yet...)
Also, I had this totally weird experience the other day. I was walking from my car to the sidewalk to cross the street, when this person in a pickup truck driving by honked and winked at me (or so I thought). Looking quickly but not really seeing the person, and thinking it was a woman, I thought it was totally hot and would have flirted back had they not been gone before I could think about it. However, on second thought, thinking of it being a man (it was a quick glance and the person had a shaved head...), I was totally grossed out and disgusted.
Does this happen to anyone else? in the lesbian community, and someone asked me what I had found helpful in my sexual healing journey. I started writing, and when I was done, I had .
1. Joining (or at least stalker-reading) the lj-group _survivors_ . Reading other survivors' stories really helped me to accept my experiences as valid, and name them abusive. I had a lot of trouble with this one (and still do sometimes...) because my experiences were more emotionally coercive/date rape-ish than physically violent. The women in that community are SUPER supportive and loving, regardless of where you are in your healing process.
2. Wearing/eating/using the color orange. Orange is the color of the 2nd chakra, the seat of sexuality and creative energy. I wasn't really sure I believed in such things, but my therapist suggested it, and it didn't really take much to eat an orange or wear a ring with an orange stone every day. I think it really helped, if nothing else just to give me a reminder to smile on my sexuality at least once a day.
3. Going to bodywork school/receiving massage. This part was super-scary at times, but really helped me to distinguish safe from unsafe touch, to understand that I could say "NO" or "Stop!" or "that hurts" and be honored for protecting myself rather than belittled for not wanting to do something someone else wanted me to do.
4. Reading "Cunt" by Inga Muscio and Betty Dodson (MUCH appreciation for the girl parts!!)
5. Going to see The Vagina Monologues.
6. Working with a therapist, mainly on other issues rather than focusing on sexual trauma, which allowed me time, space, and confidence to work on that part on my own.
7. Giving myself time and space to breathe and participate in life in ways that didn't focus on my sexuality.
8. Reading parts of "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis as it felt necessary.
9. Opening to the part of myself that simply isn't attracted to men, and starting to acknowledge the part that that may have contributed to my misery in sexual situations with them.
10. Renaming my sexual organs something nice and beautiful, so I remember that its a part of me to be honored, rather than a part to be ashamed of.
11. Supportive people like you! I thought it might be really nice to share here.
Thanks, Ladies, for all your support. It has meant *so much* to me.