My thought's are choking on you my dear (starromance14) wrote in _survivors_,
My thought's are choking on you my dear

I went over to Jamba Juice to get amanda a tasty treat since she was having a bad day and I walked in and who was there... Trevor.
I walked in saw him and walked right out. Ofcourse his friend's saw me and followed me to my car and with as much dignity as I could muster I told them to get the hell away from me or I would call the cops. They laughed at me and than one stroked my hair and was like "you know you miss him baby" before walking off. I got in my car and started crying. It all came back to me the whole night just flashed through my head replaying it's self over and over again. After the cry stopped my anger kicked in and I started pulling at my hair wanting to rip out the part that he touched, unfortunatly my window's were down and people were staring so eventully I just left. I went in to the Lowe's parking lot and started  crying again, people buying lumber sure got a show. Eventully I cried out all my tears and went to starbuck's to get amanda her drink, I'm sure I looked lovely with my mascara running but I didn't really care, the guy at the counter know's me since I'm always in there and gave me a free frappachino which was quite nice.

I fucking hate this, I love Jamba Juice it's the place I go when I'm really upset because I can just get a smoothie and now have to feel bad for drinking it afterwards and they had to be there. I mean out of all the damn stores in the common's they had to be at that one and as if they hadn't made my life a living hell as it is they had to keep taunting me!!! I fucking hate this so much I just wish I could get away from this all I dont want to live here anymore I want to move far far away as far away as I possibly can. I hate having to come home with a smile on my face acting as if nothing happend when on the inside I'm feeling like shit. 

I alway's thought I would never see him again but it's like every time I turn a corner there he is.  It's awful everytime i pass where it happend I feel tear's coming in my eyes, and I get these awful flash backs, I hate lying in bed because I can't sleep and having to relive it I just want to for get it. I want it to be like ti never happend and I can't tell anyone becuase what am I supposed to say.  The worst part is everytime I see him I'm alone I'm it's like he find's me when I'm most vulnurable, and the one time I'm with someone he walks away. 

I want out of this I want to move as far away as I can and start over.
Tags: contact with abuser, flashbacks, harassment, rape: acquaintance/date

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