CyanideEffect (cyanideeffect) wrote in _survivors_,

So yesturday was bad. Whats new?Im sorry for what I did. I truley am. I freaked out so bad, and I kinda, idk I guess put it on all my friend. For anyone who knows me, this friend of mine, Andrew, is like..everyhting. I love him and he loves me back.
But anyway, So the past weeks, actually months Ive just been having an incredibly hard time. First there were exams, now schools done And at school was my only real source of Support. My councelor was eerything. She helped me soo much. I miss her. And now I just moved out of the house ive lived in for 14 years and I was molested in that house, so alot of godo an bad memories in there. And Im not ok.
I've gotton myself so sick becuase of everything. Im missing periods, my hair is falling out, and I almost constantly have an upset stomach. I dont sleep good at all anymore. Ill wake up crying or screaming becuase of my dreams. There getting worse it seems.
I want to cut almost 24/7.Sitting here right now, all I can think of is cutting. 
Yesturday, I cant even explain hat I felt. I just felt such immense..emptiness. Like there was nothign left, no purpose or releife in anything. I just wanted to fall asleep adn never wake up. Ive never thought about suicide more than I have in the past months. I just broke down on  Andrew. And Im so sorry. He has his exams next week, and hes the kind of person who is High honors-do well or dont do it at all..kinda of person. He gets soo stressed out before exams.
So anyway, I just broke down on him. ANd he is so stressed and emotionally drained, adn yesturday was just not a good mix. With so..overly emotional and nothing, it didnt go well. He was scaring me first off all..being like "Oh well I hope you put your trust in the right person I might fail you." And "I just dont knwo waht to say to you anymore" And my biggest fear is losing him. I cant lose him. It would kill me.
Idk. I ended up getting angry at him, while im sitting there crying becuase he isnt helping me, hes just scaring the hell out of me. So I left. I went upstairs and just collapsed crying. I had enough. But than I felt so bad for blowing him off like that, so I went back on and just lost it again. Im like Im so sorry ANdrew, and alwyays remember I love you. And I was ready to leave after that. Hes like, no Hold on. That sounded way to final. Your not going anywhere. And than we just went back adn forth. I feel like Im a burden. I feel so worthless I dont deserve to talk to him. I dont want to worry him or anything. And Im sorry I did. Hes like, No no your never a burden I lvoe you. And than I just got into cutitng/suicide mode. He was like, "You better promise me you wont cut" and I said "No, I have every intention on slicing myself good tonight" and ..idk. we went back and forth like that. In the end, I kinda calmed down. And I left him on the note that he loved me.
Idk what to do anymore. Im losing it.
Help me.
Tags: abandonment issues, abuse: child, abuse: csa, friendships, seeking support
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