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Hi, I'm Trang. I was adopted, and was sexually abused by five… 
11th-Jun-2006 07:27 pm
Hi, I'm Trang.

I was adopted, and was sexually abused by five different men in four different foster homes growing up (most recently 4 years ago). Three of them are now in jail. My parents know, my brother knows (he was there), and that's it. I go to counseling once a week, and I'm feeling secure right now.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. We've been sexually active for about 6 months. I didn't tell him about the abuse because it never came up or became a problem.

Until yesterday. He told me that rape was kind of a "turn on" to him. I don't know what to do now. I don't want to tell him because I don't want it to "turn him on".

I'm disgusted, and I feel disgusting and sick.
I don't know what to do. I guess I just needed to vent.
12th-Jun-2006 02:55 am (UTC)
My first reaction was to think that you don't need that kind of a boyfriend.

Then I thought about it for a moment. My immediate knee-jerk reaction might be wrong. Rape fantasies and real rape are two different things entirely. It depends on what exactly turns him on, and it depends on how you feel.

If playing out a rape scenario in a BDSM-type role-play session (with safewords and all the other proper precautions) is what turns him on, and you don't have a problem with this sort of role-play, then it might be okay. If you have a problem with that sort of role-play and he really wants it, then it might be time to part ways. And if actual rape turns him on (as opposed to a role-play), then you do not need this man in your life.

You definitely have a right to be disgusted and sick in any case. I can't deal with rape role-play (although I have a friend who is a survivor who doesn't mind it at all); I find it completely repellent and absolutely not sexy. However, YOU ARE NOT DISGUSTING.

Depending upon your relationship with your boyfriend, I would suggest you perhaps sit down and have a serious talk. You don't have to tell him about the abuse you suffered if you don't want to; you could just say that the thought of rape turns you off and disgusts you, and that his comment upset you and you want to know why the idea of rape turns him on.

Big safe *hugs* and welcome to the community.
12th-Jun-2006 11:19 am (UTC)
"desertrosedark" said it pretty well. It is one thing to like the idea of role-play rape (although my gut instinct says that this isn't really something a survivor of sexual abuse should be doing. Any time I've been drawn to that sort of thing was an indication of a bad mindset on my part.) It's quite another thing to actually want to rape someone.

So yeah. It is a normal reaction to be repulsed by his declaration. Many women who have not been abused would be disgusted by that (cause of the implications of it. I mean... having a rough quicky is one thing, but getting turned on by rape and everything it means...) so you expressing your concerns wouldn't give him any indication of you being abused. It's probably not the best idea to tell him of your past - doesn't sound like you can trust how he's going to react to it.
12th-Jun-2006 07:53 pm (UTC)
desertrosedark Already covered much of what I was going to say. Real rape and a safely-done rape fantasy are very different things.

However - it's important for you to be able to communcate with him that difference. Many men are attracted to the control or power switch that occurs during a healthy-type rape fantasy - while being horrified by the act of genuine and actual rape. It's important for you to know, for you to hear from *him* what it is that attracts him to that. Even if you are in absolutely no way interested in safely-done control changes, it's good to be able to know exactly what it is that turns him onto it. It's like being able to know exactly what you're dealing with.

Remember - it's completely normal for you to be completely disgusted. You know firsthand what rape actually is, and it's okay for you to be disgusted at the thought that someone would be turned on by it. It's likely that he's simply ignorant of the reality of rape, and is turned on simply by one part of the act (likely the power shift).

Just like someone might be fascinated by the way cars can be twisted after a car accident, but be horrified at the thought of people being actually injured - many people have sexual fantasies that are similar.

Talk with your boyfriend. Make it clearly stated that actual rape is not sexy in any way, and ask him what *part* of the fantasy in his head turns him on - there are ways to get that sexual desire fulfilled without having to mimic any part of your trauma. Know that it's completely okay to be disgusted, and that you aren't alone in having to face things like this in a sexual relationship. I've been through this a lot, and it can be *really* tough.

We're with you for support, advice, or if you just need to vent. Sending you big safe hugs.
12th-Jun-2006 09:43 pm (UTC)
I think you know what you have to do. I can't see you staying with someone even capable of such a thought. Please walk away. There is no use telling him. Just go and find better ... much better. Big hugs to you.
13th-Jun-2006 12:39 am (UTC)
i sort of agree with 'honeysuckleleaura'... maybe its best to walk away. its a tough thing to do but if you dont feel you can trust him enough to tell him then its not healthy... it will eat away at you, wanting to say something but not wanting him to try and dominate you. its a tough position to be in if you really love him, but sometimes that not enough. really take your time to think about it all, weight the pros and cons.. only you can make the final decision though, so do what you think will be better for you in the long run.
goodluck, this sounds like a tough situation. *hugs*
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