earthygirrl (earthygirrl) wrote in _survivors_,

My mother is a stranger.....

Ok. This might seem horrible but I don't want to go to the hospital to visit my mother. She had back surgery yesterday and will be there for a couple of days...or more. Probally more. I just don't want to go. I feel like she is a stranger. Not my mother. Everyone says, she's your mother, you have to learn to accept her and all her faults. But I just can't. I had been hurting for so long because of everything that has happened. There were many tear filled nights over the "loss/absence" of a mother. I was seperated from my mother when I was around five years old and didn't see her again until I was 18 years old. I think. She had always been trying to be there for me but the family hid me from her. Why? Cause she was a raging alcholic and may have dabbled in drugs. But she was not mentally or emmotional in a good state of being. So it's not my mother fault but I still have a lot of unresolved conflict inside of me. And I don't feel like working on a relationship with my mother. She's a stranger and I don't like what I see when I go to visit her. She doesn't look good. You can see everything she has been through written on her body and face. And I can't stand to see her drinking and spilling stuff all over the place. I feel bad sometimes in what I say. Like yesterday, I told my aunt, "Your not my mother, so I'll actually make time to come out and see you." (my aunt is like a mother to me...very much so) She chidded me for the comment. She said I shouldn't be like that. I can't help it. I don't know that woman. I don't know. So, more than likely, I'll be expected to go and see my mom. It will probally hurt her if I don't. So as to not feel too guilty I probally will. I just don't want to. Anybody else feel like this toward their mother? Did you try to establish a relationship? Any Tips? Why is there so much pressure to fulfill our roles as daughters?
Tags: abandonment issues, alcoholism, family
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