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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
My mother is a stranger..... 
27th-May-2006 11:17 am
Ok. This might seem horrible but I don't want to go to the hospital to visit my mother. She had back surgery yesterday and will be there for a couple of days...or more. Probally more. I just don't want to go. I feel like she is a stranger. Not my mother. Everyone says, she's your mother, you have to learn to accept her and all her faults. But I just can't. I had been hurting for so long because of everything that has happened. There were many tear filled nights over the "loss/absence" of a mother. I was seperated from my mother when I was around five years old and didn't see her again until I was 18 years old. I think. She had always been trying to be there for me but the family hid me from her. Why? Cause she was a raging alcholic and may have dabbled in drugs. But she was not mentally or emmotional in a good state of being. So it's not my mother fault but I still have a lot of unresolved conflict inside of me. And I don't feel like working on a relationship with my mother. She's a stranger and I don't like what I see when I go to visit her. She doesn't look good. You can see everything she has been through written on her body and face. And I can't stand to see her drinking and spilling stuff all over the place. I feel bad sometimes in what I say. Like yesterday, I told my aunt, "Your not my mother, so I'll actually make time to come out and see you." (my aunt is like a mother to me...very much so) She chidded me for the comment. She said I shouldn't be like that. I can't help it. I don't know that woman. I don't know. So, more than likely, I'll be expected to go and see my mom. It will probally hurt her if I don't. So as to not feel too guilty I probally will. I just don't want to. Anybody else feel like this toward their mother? Did you try to establish a relationship? Any Tips? Why is there so much pressure to fulfill our roles as daughters?
Comments 
27th-May-2006 05:02 pm (UTC)
Hon, I can relate to all that you said and I think you have to make up your own mind!

Maybe be more careful how you tell others in the family but you do have a right to youir feelings. I was horribly abused by my bio-mother and didn't see her for almost 25 years, I went this pass summer to see her because she was dying and it was terrible, just more abuse. We each have to decide for ourselves and maybe you can have a talk with your aunt about your feelings!

hope this helps and if you want to talk more, I am available,
loves diane
31st-May-2006 04:22 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I should talk to my aunt more but in general I'm sure she knows how I feel. I could talk to my mom about it and I know I should. I would just break her heart though and I don't intend any harm. It's just the way it is. She is asking indirctly if I'm coming to see her. Out of guilt I may go but I don't want to. Then again I may just not go. She may be angry but she will just have to be angry. Yes, I am having a hard time making up my mind about it because I don't want to hurt a mother who has tried to be there for me but just wasn't in the best state. Darn all this.....
31st-May-2006 04:27 pm (UTC) - 12:33pm
*hugs* You do what feels right to you, you can't do more than that, if you are going to feel more pain by visiting, then don't go, write a letter to her and explain how you are feeling or have your aunt explain. You have a right to do what is best for you!

loving you, Diane
31st-May-2006 04:58 pm (UTC) - Re: 12:33pm
That's so true. I have a tendency to do things for other people. Sometimes I forget all about little ol' me. Thanks for the reminder....
31st-May-2006 05:03 pm (UTC) - Re: 12:33pm
*hugs* Sweets, I need reminders too and I am 53, when we are abused, we don't learn how to protect ourselves!

...if you need to talk you call me, loving you, diane
28th-May-2006 05:10 pm (UTC)
Society puts a lot of pressure on children to have relationships with our parents, but especially on daughters. Society's views of men as being more independent makes daughters take twice the burden. Women as a whole are expected to endure much more pain without complaint. It is one of the most horrible views society that is forced on people.

I went through my own struggles with my mother. They were different ones, but I know that feeling of expectation to love your mother no matter what she has done.

It is okay that you don't feel connected to her. Yes, she is biologically your mother, but your *chosen* mother is as or more important than your biological mother. If shared genetics dictated our emotions, it would be a very different world. If genetics alone ruled our emotions, friends and lovers would mean nothing - when in reality they can be as important as our blood family. It is normal that you don't have that instinctual bond for her - you probably barely remember a time in which you did feel that.

I know that for your mother, it's probably pretty difficult. It sounds like she got lost in the downward spiral of guilt. Not being a good mother, then feeling guilty for it and getting lost in drugs and alcohol. She seems to not be able to forgive herself - and is continuing on that spiral.

If you do go to see her, it might help to tell her that though you haven't felt very connected to her, that you still feel she deserves love and happiness. On a neutral level, I'm sure you do wish that she could kick the drinking and be happier. I think that if you do that, it might help you both: you get to be honest about feeling disconnected, and she gets to hear that you wish her good things.

I'd also explain to your aunt your feelings. If your mother is going through that horrible cycle of guilt and addiction, your aunt probably struggles with loving you like a daughter and wanting your mother to experience the joy of the mother-daughter bond. Your aunt might even view you as the only possible savior of your mother, for better or worse. The truth is, of course, that the only person who can save your mother is herself (in choosing a healthier life and making what amends she can with her loved ones) - but I have a feeling your Aunt might be letting too much responsibility fall onto your head.

Above all else, I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It's wrong of society to expect you to have feelings for someone you barely knew, and it's wrong that so much responsibility falls to you instead of where it should. I'm sure it's very difficult, and I'm sorry that you're going through this. We're here for you.
31st-May-2006 04:47 pm (UTC)
Wow. What a great view on things. My mom and I do need to have 'the talk'. She tries to invite me over and to church but I just don't want to. My brother wants me to try harder with my mom because he has his own expectations and view on things. They are different from mine. We grew up in two very different worlds.
I never thought about my aunt in that context but I'm sure it has run across her mind at some time.
Yes. She is a stranger. A shadow. Someone I have no longing to get close to at all. That's just the way it is......
Thanks.
30th-May-2006 12:30 pm (UTC) - in all honesty....
****TRIGGERS & LANGUAGE*****




i can totally relate...the only difference is my mother is my biological mother...

when i was 9 my mother was diagnosed with a inoperable benign brain tumor that rested in the middle of her brain on a nerve that did nothing but cause cripplingly painful headaches from the pressure. this caused a personality change in my mother. the woman that she was before is no longer. the woman that was my mother was replaced with a cruel, cold woman who cares not what her daughter went through growing up. all she ever did was sleep and read books. she never did ANYTHING, literally. i took over taking care of the house and everyone in it.

when my mom got sick, that's when my father started in on me. and i was abused sexually/emotionally/physically until i was kicked out of the house to live on my own when i was 17 because the state told my family that they did not want my father and i living under the same roof after i reported him. the state originally kicked him out, but my family never believed that he did the things that he did to me so they wanted him there instead of me. so, a week before christmas my senior year in highschool, they moved me out and he moved in. i have spent every holiday thereafter alone except the few i spent with my soon-to-be-ex-husband or friends that took pity on me.

ever since then, my mother's and my relationship has been nonexistant. i honestly believe that she hates me. last year my father killed himself on the morning of the grandjury date of the child abuse charges that i had brought against him. according to my family, my hate for my father is to blame. according to my family, my father was perfect and could do no wrong. according to my family, my father was innocent and i was a liar.

i am most definately not a liar. the only lie that i've ever told is that i'm fine when i'm really not.

my mother's cruelty even went so far as to blame me to my face (or rather ear as it was over the phone) that the last time i was raped it was my fault because i was married and shouldn't be hanging out with boys who aren't my husband. needless to say, since then i am divorced, single, and gay. (but this is truly me and not just a result of the pain i've suffered at the hands of men. i have always been attracted to women and very unhappy with men. i've just finally made the conscious decision to not have anything to do with men sexually.)

i spoke to my mother for the first time in several months just last week and we actually had a pleasant or almost pleasant conversation. at least she didn't go on and on about what a wonderful man my father was. and at least she didn't berate me or bring up any of the shit i've been through.

the bitch even blamed me for my divorce and made the comment that MY life is like a soap opera. in all honestly, there are a lot of factors that lead to my divorce, but it is not MY fault. i worked my ass off on my marriage and trying to save it, but HE didn't try to save it until it was too late then it was like, damn, i kinda liked having her around to fuck. but he got over that real quick and moved onto someone else who he's already gotten pregnant and they're planning on getting married as soon as mine and his divorce is final.

anyway, the point is, i have experienced the pain over not having a mother that truly gave a shit about me. infact, i fucking hate mother's day and father's day...and my fucking father's suicide fell right between those days, so the entire month of may i could just do without.

and i have no desire to have a relationship with my mother because i know she'll never be the mother that i had before she got sick. i've come to terms with the fact that that woman is dead. i will never see her again.

i cry over her, but nothing will come of it. the next time i see her doppleganger will be at my grandmother's or another family member's funeral.

~chelsea
31st-May-2006 04:52 pm (UTC) - Re: in all honesty....
*Warm hugs* Thanks for your honesty.

--------"since then i am divorced, single, and gay. (but this is truly me and not just a result of the pain i've suffered at the hands of men. i have always been attracted to women and very unhappy with men. i've just finally made the conscious decision to not have anything to do with men sexually.)"

Glad to hear someone else say this. My aunt asked recently if I was gay because of the abuse. I just looked at her and said NO! Continued looking so she'd get the point. I'm gay cause I'm gay cause I'm gay cause I'm gay.
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