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_Survivors_
A safe space to share stories and ask questions
what  the hell is wrong with me? why are the littlest things… 
24th-May-2006 08:13 pm
Dan/Emma trl ;; actors
what  the hell is wrong with me? why are the littlest things making me go crazy. I mean I am screaming and crying and I have all this anger in me and I dont know what to do with it.

yesturday I went beserk when my brother took the car which isn't a big deal but I went fucking crazy I was swearing and screaming hitting my sister calling her a whore. She kept yellling get this girl in a mental institution.

and today he took th car again and I just blew up I dont know why but I just feel like hurting myself but I wont cut because it takes up waay tmuch of a mess and I dont like wearing long sleeves not in the weather I dont know what to do I feel so fucking shitty. My dad made lasagna for dinner and I hate lasagna and I just started crying what is wrong with me why cant i just be calm like a normal person.

I have no pills they wont give me my pills my mom wont fill them up and she wont give them to me I want my pills i think taht is why I go beserk over the smallest things but I dont want to I want to feel happy I want to be normal.

why the hell cant i be normal!?

I can't scream I try and I cant my body wont let me I just dig my nails in my hands the computer was being slow and I threw the key board on the ground i threw my cell out the window and stomped on it why am i going fucking insane?

is this normal?


Comments 
25th-May-2006 01:23 am (UTC)
normal for who...I've had days when I literally can't get out of bed, screaming fits occasionally, and crying fits, almost daily...anything from a hallmark commercial to a tv show...so in answer to your question...what is considered "normal"? healing hugs :)
25th-May-2006 02:03 am (UTC)
:( you're traumatised, in pain - not crazy. it does sound like you could do with talking to someone professional who could help you with your feelings though. i know how scary it is to feel out of controol of your pain. *gentle healing hugs*
25th-May-2006 03:07 am (UTC)
I think it might help to tell someone that your parents refuse to give you your medication. Is there a nurse, a doctor, a teacher.... Someone who you could tell? What they're doing is unethical. You're clearly in a great deal of pain, and if you were prescribed medication and you want to be taking it, they shouldn't be keeping you from doing so.
25th-May-2006 03:15 am (UTC)
And yeah, this IS normal. You've gone through something horrible. You're traumatised. And the people around you don't seem to be willing or able to help you with that. I spent much of the night two days ago curled up in a ball on my floor crying my eyes out because I spilled curry on a pair of pajamas. Eh. Normal? Who knows. But it's how I felt anyway.

I hate the fact that our society seems to think that we shouldn't be upset, shouldn't be traumatised, shouldn't be in pain, when such horrible things have happened to us. You know, if you got shot, people would visit you in the hospital. They'd tell you how sorry they are that you got hurt. They'd take care of you until your wound healed. But because our wounds aren't visible, and because they don't like to think about or acknowledge the way we got hurt in the first place, they just want our wounds to go away. Or they want us to act like they've gone away.

I dunno. I'm babbling. Sorry.

I support you, even if I'm not making much sense at the moment.
25th-May-2006 08:19 pm (UTC)
you make so much sense..

just reading that brought tear's to my eyes.
25th-May-2006 09:42 pm (UTC)
It's completely normal, hun.

Trauma survivors feel *everything* much more intensely than those who haven't survived trauma. Literally, our brain signals are stronger for everything - to you, having lasagna made feels like the end of the world, like you're being starved or intentionally left out.

Our emotions, as Spinal Tap would say "It goes to 11" (meaning they go to 11 on a scale of 1 to 10). Everything you feel is more intense, and that is completely normal for survivors. Our emotions overwhelm us and we just get swamped with chemicals.

If your family's keeping the medication you need to help reach a middle ground emotion-wise, you need to tell your doctors, etc. They're intentionally causing you harm, and intentionally holding back treatment. It's illegal in most places, and you can get people to enforce those laws
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