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Old cardboard boxes in the attic always tend to reveal things you… 
18th-May-2006 09:41 pm

Old cardboard boxes in the attic always tend to reveal things you never knew about. 

After looking through some pictures of my parents' youth, I came across my own photo-album - stuffed with baby pictures and cards saying, "Congratulations! A daughter!" I couldn't keep my eyes away from this tiny kid with the blonde, jumpy curls. I ripped out quite a few pictures and put them in my room so I could remind myself of what I was once like. 

Eagerly, I went through the whole album and when the end of it was near, I starting seeing a slight change. I flipped one of the cards around and read, august 2002.

And then you stop, and think, this is why I've ripped out those baby-pictures.

I want my childhood, my innocence back. I feel like a 30 year-old trapped in a 18 year-old body.

18th-May-2006 12:55 pm (UTC)
I was raped when I was 10 years old and I find myself sometimes going through old photos and looking at myself during that time and before it. It's the strangest feeling because I feel like I am looking at another person who isn't me at all. I can't relate at all to that innocent girl that I used to be. And that's what I think I miss the most: my innocence. I know eventually it gets ripped away anyway but to have it stripped so suddenly and to have that much fear and pain at such an early age...

I want my innocence back also. There's this Jewel lyric that always made me feel a little better:

"Innocence can't be lost-- it just needs to be maintained."
18th-May-2006 02:35 pm (UTC)
It's not necessarily the innocence I miss - I think it's being able to trust and love individuals in a 'childlike' way.

I don't know.

18th-May-2006 03:46 pm (UTC)
I can't stand looking at pictures of me.
Let alone ones of when I was a child.
18th-May-2006 06:52 pm (UTC)
If only I could have my childhood back, however a few years ago when I lost my memory, I did have to relive my childhood traumas all over again...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...once childhood is gone, it's almost impossible to get back...hugs :)
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